Naming our Baby

God has been doing so much over the last few weeks.  This road of suffering that we are walking on has opened my eyes to many things but two of them stick out in my mind as I type this: God is so good. And this world is not as it should be.  Oh, how I long for Heaven. Writing is healing for me and so it will be my joy to share what God has so carefully been teaching me through this time.  In case you missed the previous post, click here to read the first of what I shared regarding our journey.

The process of losing our baby was spread out over several days and labor lasted about 16 hours.  As I laid awake all night long and the miscarriage was becoming more inevitable, I started to contemplate gender neutral names.  Deep in my bones, I felt the need to name this sweet, teeny tiny baby whose life lasted such a short time.  I wanted to acknowledge that our baby is a real person. Although I was only able to carry him/her for 11 weeks, we had already embraced the idea of our new family of five.  Mothers start dreaming about the impact their new little one will have, the minute they learn they're expecting.  So in just a couple of months time, our sweet baby very much felt a part of us.  In Psalm 139:16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  God has numbered all of our days and he breathed life into our baby for the exact amount of time He had ordained.  Though our child's physical presence on earth was short, my prayer is that the impact of his/her life will continue on for ages and bring glory to God.

We chose the name Phoenix for our baby.  Early on in our marriage, it was actually on our list of boy names but since that time, we have heard it used for both boys and girls.  It was a perfect fit.  As I reflected on why it was so important to me to name this baby, I remembered a section from the book "One Thousand Gifts":
"Now, in the Bible a name reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather its essence as God's gift.  To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God.  To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it."

All along the way, we were very open with our kids about the baby.  We decided to have a burial service for the baby the following day, knowing that it would bring some healing and also be an opportunity for Lily and Silas to be involved in the process of this loss in a special and significant way.  As I tucked Lily in for bed that night, I asked her if there was any particular song she would like us to sing during the service.  She requested "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands."  She loves it when I sing that song and use all of our names so it was precious to me that we would all get the chance to softly sing Phoenix's name as the last verse.

The next day, after a couple of appointments, the four of us gathered together to say goodbye or as I like to think of it....see you soon...to the baby.  Justin and I both prayed and as he spoke to our Father, warm soothing tears were cascading down my face at the beauty of his words.  He talked about how a newborn's only language is crying but our baby will not utter a single cry because he/she will never know pain or even discomfort.  Phoenix will never experience anything less than perfection with Jesus.  And then it started to rain.  I wasn't able to see it at the time, but now when I think of the rain in that moment, I view it as God's tears running down - He was entering into our sorrow and suffering with us.  We lifted our voices in song and declared, "He's got little baby Phoenix in His hands..."
And then as we turned to leave, Silas waved and said "Bye. Love you."

Some days are harder than others.  One thing that never changes is Jesus and how He keeps meeting me right where I'm at.  I know I am learning things here in this valley that I could have learned no other way.  Although the heartache is sometimes immense, I feel safe, loved and cared for.  God has provided His perfect peace, which is beyond my understanding.  I know now with all assurance, that no matter what circumstance I may find myself in, His presence is all I need.

Isaiah 26:3 - You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he commits himself to you, leans on you and hopes confidently in you.

Lyrics to the song "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews:
You're not alone for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My Love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the One who's loved you all your life, all your life
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you