He Knows

"The Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, 'I know.  I know.'  The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but the eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain." ~ Ann Voskamp

A few days after losing Phoenix, the kids came with me to a follow-up appointment for a simple blood draw.  While we were there, they eagerly requested band-aids for themselves as well, just for the fun of it.  Later in the week, I was in Lily's room and glanced over at her nightstand.  On it sits a maternity photo of Justin and I looking down at my belly, largely pregnant with Lily.  Strategically placed over my womb in that photo was the band-aid Lily had been wearing.  Instant tears welled up as I heard the Lord saying clear as a bell:

I see you.  I know it hurts.  Just watch how I'm going to love you through this.

I shared with Lily that experience and without missing a beat, she replied, "Yeah, that's why I put it there, Mommy."  I was intrigued - "Why did you?"  What came next was the beginning of many confirmations God would give me of His purposes through this trial.  "Because I thought, 'Maybe if Mommy sees this, it will make her think that God is working inside of her."
Oh Lord Jesus, thank you.  Thank you for who You are.  Thank you for using my sweet girl, as You often do to speak great truth to me.  Truth I need to be reminded of.

He knows.  He is with me.  He is working.  He is more than enough.  He is good.  He never changes.

My Jesus is the same today as He was before January 18th.  Because He came, died, rose again and LIVES, our baby is also risen.  By grace alone, by placing our faith in Christ alone - Justin and I will go to our baby.  We too, will rise.

Scripture has been breathing life into the aching parts of my soul over the past couple of months and I plan to share those truths soon.  The gospel is freshly stirred within me.  If anything, I think this trial has opened my eyes even more to how good God is.
"That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond.  To Him.  To the God whom we endlessly crave." ~ Ann Voskamp
I'm seeing God a little more clearly.  I'm seeing that through the tearing open of my soul, I have been given a gift.  The thin, open places to see Him more.

I'm learning that joy and pain certainly do mingle.  They both can simultaneously exist in the human heart.  My desire is to continue to live open-handed.  To not numb myself to fully living.  To freely receive whatever He gives and freely release whatever He takes.  Knowing that I can trust Him with my heart - after all, He created it and keeps it beating for as long as He deems.

Whatever hard thing you may be going through right now, this is my prayer for you - to turn your eyes upon Jesus.  He is good, friends.  And He knows.