Letter to Phoenix: 3 Years Later

Dear Phoenix,

Time is a strange thing and it keeps marching on.  I couldn't have guessed three years ago today, how much God would use you to change me.  A sweet friend of mine who is also acquainted with the grief of losing a child told me right away that the pain never goes away, it just becomes different over time.  She was right.  It has become like an old friend to me.  It has shifted from an intense, unwelcome guest to a faithful companion who ever reminds me of all I have learned and how near Christ is in our sufferings.

One of the great privileges of this journey is to come alongside other women who have walked the same road.  My pain is redeemed as I minister to others in theirs.  We draw strength from one another and in so doing, we experience the beauty of community.  It is never a group I would have wanted to join and yet it has brought a depth and richness to my life that could have come no other way.

Lily and Silas still bring you up in conversation.  It shows me that your short earthly life keeps beating on inside of them as well.  It is comforting to observe that they care about your life’s purpose, which is ours as well – to glorify God.  You are indeed our anchor in Heaven, pulling us there, until we arrive at last.

I recently finished up a study through the book of Esther.  While meditating on the significance of Purim being a celebration of the Jews’ deliverance, God brought to mind that January 18^th, for me, has been transformed from a day of loss into a day of deliverance.  It was on this day last year – 2017 – that the Lord kept me awake through all the watches of the night to minister to my wounded heart.  He addressed fears, lies and questions that had been lurking for two years.  He brought them all to the surface so they could be dealt with.  It was truly a night of healing.  I smiled through tears when I realized that He, as my Father, had specially chosen the day that represented such suffering and sorrow to be my day of awakening and deliverance.

I think all humans are captivated by the beauty of art because our Creator instilled that in our design when He made us.  When an artist is painting a masterpiece, it is mesmerizing to see what’s taking shape with every stroke of the brush, little by little.  At the same time, it is so very hard to make sense of what the final piece shall be.  I think that’s the life we’re living right now.  There have been some beautiful, interesting, puzzling, brilliant, strokes & sweeps of the brush from our Master Painter.  We look intently to what He is doing.  And yet, there is so much we don’t know or understand – seeing only in part.  We simply trust that the final masterpiece will be breathtaking.  And we will hold hands as we take it all in, and stand in awe and wonder.

I am thankful to be your mother.  God’s divine grace made it so.

All my love,

Mommy