Honest Reflections

Through different things that God has been having me walk through lately, I've been led to a place of reflection.  Reflecting on what this pregnancy has taught me and on what is to come in our very near future.  As I look back and remember how we felt a year ago at this time - uncertain if a baby would be in His plan for us - I'm humbled that despite my doubts, God provided.  Even when I fail to be faithful, God does not.

One verse that has seemed to be a banner of truth for us is 1 Samuel 1:27, which reads "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."  And just as Hannah said of her son Samuel, I say along with her, "So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."  (or her :))  I'm finding that is exactly what I'm being called to do and must do each and every day of my child's life.  To give him or her back to the Lord.

I've been thinking about those parents that are asked to give up their child physically through death.  Though we all see God weaving our stories in different ways, I think there is a common bond in that, as much as motherhood brings about joy and gain, it is also about letting go.  When our baby is born, it will be the beginning of our new family but also an end to the exclusive relationship I've shared over these last several months with our little one.  Soon it will become a whole new person of its own existence, separate from me.  It will develop its own personality, likes & dislikes and quirky little traits.  We'll experience many "letting go" moments along the way - the first time they express "I do it myself!", the first day of preschool, their first date, etc.  But there will be so much beauty that any sorrow we feel in those moments will surely serve to magnify it.  We know that God's purposes will be revealed as He sees fit and we trust Him as our Creator.

I'm certain there will be many instances where I will want to protect them beyond my ability.  I must trust, though, that the Lord will protect them when I cannot.  He loves our child far more than I, in my weak human nature, am even capable of.  His Word says "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust'. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." (Psalm 91:1-2, 11-12).  I believe He will guard our child, as only He can.

I know that I've been given much more than I deserve and I'm eager to teach our baby what it means to experience God's grace.  It's hard to put into words everything I'm feeling as we approach this day that will change our lives forever.  I think, more than anything, becoming a parent will open my eyes to understand (as much as I can this side of heaven) the love that God has for His children.  I imagine each little smile, embrace, kiss and laugh from our baby will serve as a reminder of the love He has shown us.  Our prayer is that we would be a reflection of that to those around us and bring glory to His great name!