The Joy of a Hard Decision

Truthfully, this blog post has been a year in the making.  I've written it and re-written it several times in my head as I've grappled with where we were at in our lives and where we were headed.  Just today, I looked back at what I had scrawled down on a piece of paper months ago and even that seems outdated.  God changes hearts.  He changes people, a little at a time. 
Though I never thought I would say this (and am actually a little shocked that I'm about ready to), I am grateful that the Lord had me work full-time outside our home for a whole year after Lily was born.  It was in those days and weeks and months that I learned to really trust in Him for all things in a way I'd never been compelled to before.  I remember early on, there were days that I would drive to work and feel like I couldn't breathe at the mere thought of being away from Lily yet another day.  The emotions of her birth were still very raw and fresh in my mind and I related it much the same way - why, Lord, do I have to experience things the long way around?  Why do I have to know the disappointment of an outcome that seems so foreign to the original plan I had dreamed up and thought you would bless?  Why instead, do you feel it's best to give me something much harder and still want me to be okay with it?  The answer to all of my questions was quite simple.  I can only have joy when I choose to release my burdens and believe that God's will is superior to mine.  To think that somehow I deserved something better is foolish.  What I deserve is eternal condemnation and anything else I receive is grace.  And that's the cold, hard truth.  I've been transformed by reading this book and agree with the author that these two things I know for sure: God is always good and I am always loved.  Being an inquisitive and analytical person by nature, I often find myself searching for the "why" behind things.  I'm learning that God doesn't give textbook, black & white answers to life's lessons.  He just wants me to love Him, to trust Him, to obey Him, no matter what.  The short and easy ways are not always best.  When I choose to see everything - including the downright difficult - as God's grace and give Him thanks for it all, naming these gifts to Him, that's when I have joy.
And now, in this here-and-now season of my life, I get the amazing opportunity of being a stay at home mom!  Wow, just the fact that I can mouth those words as truth is a gift.  As a mother, is there anything better than knowing that you are the one that gets to be there for countless teachable moments every single day?  To know with confidence that your child is being guided and directed in the way they should go because you are the one administering that heavy task.  To know that when they have a rough day (and many will come) that they can curl up on your lap asking for a hug and a kiss of unconditional love, delivering reassurance that everything will be okay.  To see firsthand what they are learning and have more time to work on areas of struggle.  More time to invest. These reasons and more cause me to rise up and thank God for giving me this undoubtedly difficult, wearisome, sacrificial, and extremely rewarding job.
As I walked out of the office on Thursday, the end (for now) of being a full-time working mother, I sobbed at remembering great memories, building relationships and growing as a person over the past four years.  But as I sobbed standing there in the Ballroom of the Events Center, I whispered to myself  "this is right.  it is hard and it is right."  You see, sometimes those two things go hand in hand.  I couldn't have come to know the joy that I have now if I hadn't first gone through the waiting and then the day of good-byes.  Yes, even that is God's grace - the joy of a hard decision.