Silas,
This year as I write you these words, I'm filled with a different mixture of feelings than ever before as a mother. The Lord has taught me so much through the course of this past year, all good and some hard. I'm thankful that He chose to use you to show me some of those things.
First though, I want to slow down and take some moments to communicate how wonderfully made you are. Your teachers from homeschool co-op described you using these adjectives: curious, silly, adorable, smiley, inquisitive, energetic, friendly, spirited and a great listener. It's fun that though they've known you just a short time, it's evident that your personality shines through quickly. You do nothing halfway, my boy. You've taught me the exhilarating beauty of jumping right in, no matter what the risks might be. You have non-stop charm. And this greatly helps your cause since you also have a strong will. You love with the intensity of a hurricane. From your infant days, you've been a mama's boy and I'm thrilled that it hasn't changed yet. If I'm being honest, there have been times that I've been weary that you demand so much of me. But wrapped up in the weariness is the gift of being loved fiercely and the invitation to reciprocate that kind of intense love.
One of my favorite manifestations of this love are the frequent collisions against my leg followed by a loud puckering up of your lips. Those leg kisses just make my day. You and your sister haven't quite figured out how to play with each other in a consistently positive way. I've gotten a few rare glimpses of you two delighting in each other's company but your different personalities results in plenty of squabbles. I'm thankful I have the time to invest in helping you grow your friendship. I have confidence you'll develop an unshakable bond. Earlier this year, we were feeding the geese when one of them hissed at Lily. You shouted, "Get away from my sister!". Oh goodness, it was completely endearing.
I never have to wonder what you're thinking or feeling. I get a kick out of the phrases you use at such an early age, often saying "Hmmm, maybe not", "I think so" and "Are you kidding me?!". You have very strong likes and dislikes and there's no convincing you otherwise. I see so much passion in you. I see determination and zeal. I see someone who won't give up when the goin' gets tough. I see someone who doesn't sit back and wait for others to initiate. You go out and discover adventure. You aren't afraid of hard things. I see the potential of an adult who is willing to look conflict in the face and not go running. Though these qualities are maddening at times while I'm carrying out the task of shepherding your heart, my desire is to keep a long view and appreciate that these same qualities will be amazing as a grown man.
Recently I attended a conference designed for moms. One of the sessions I chose was called, "What About That Child?". I was so deeply encouraged. It shifted my mindset and gave me a new gratitude for the opportunity I've been offered: to raise a world changer! You are the best thing that could have happened to me as a mom. I'm presented with the chance over and over again to die to myself , my own selfish desires and instead rely heavily on the Lord to sustain me. God sent you to me on purpose. And He knows both of us better than we know ourselves. He has a sense of humor and loves to see us grow. Your particular gifts will take me places that I never intended to, but need, to go. I want to embrace the adventure and chase after abundant life with you.
You help me consider new ideas and perspectives. I want to enjoy the freedom of letting you be who you were made to be. Let's keep asking the question - "I wonder what God might do through you?". I know it's gonna be big. And I'd love a front row seat.
Probably the most fitting way to end this letter is by conveying the simple and precious words you to say to me every single night as I walk out of your bedroom and we finish up another day together..."I'll never stop loving you."
Always,
Mommy
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Sustained by Truth
My intention of blogging weekly has fallen by the wayside. I didn't want this one to slip through the cracks though. God has been so faithful to our family and I in turn, want to be faithful to share what He's shown me personally. To share how I have been sustained by the truth of His Word.
Enduring the loss of our child awakened in me a desperation for God's Word. I think often times, when we have been in relationship with God for awhile, we tend to become complacent or to approach our time reading the Bible as just another checklist. I have been there before. This trial stirred me to come before the Lord with an expectant heart, knowing He would be there to guide and counsel me through the dark. In those first few weeks, I would open up my Bible and the pages would soon be wet with tears as I met with the Lord and sought His face. There was truly no other place to turn that could provide the peace and hope that is offered through the Scriptures. It's the only book that is living and active, working to reveal who God is and how we can be changed by encountering Him.
This will not be all-encompassing but a snapshot of what God ministered through His Word to my hurting heart.
Psalm 34:18-19 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.
~God's presence through suffering is so large and magnificent, closer than my own breath. This world is not problem-free. I will experience hardship but more importantly, God will be close, He will save me and will be my Deliverer as I walk through it.
Psalm 73:23-26 - Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
~Those promises are priceless - He's always with me, He holds my hand, guides me and one day, will take me to be with Him. I knew before that God was all I needed but now I know that He's also all that I really want.
1 Corinthians 13:12 - Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
~There are so many things this side of Heaven that I don't understand. I can't see the full picture and the picture that I do see is clouded by my own sin and the sin of this world. I find rest in knowing that when I am with my Father for eternity, I will see face to face and I will know fully.
1 Corinthians 15:42-44 - So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.
~Though there is deep sadness that accompanies death, I am filled with hope as I read these words and know with full assurance that this will be true of Phoenix and also for all of us who put our trust in Jesus Christ as Savior.
1 Corinthians 15:55 - Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?
~As Christ followers, do we still grieve and mourn and cry in anguish over death? Absolutely. We also might be angry at death itself. Our hearts just know it isn't right. That's why Jesus came. And because Jesus rose from the grave and conquered death, it no longer has its sting. Our eternity secured trumps the temporary separation we experience when someone dies.
2 Corinthians 1:8-11 - We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
~Ever heard the phrase, "God will never give you more than you can handle."? Yeah, well, it's not in the Bible. Somewhere along the way it was made up. In these verses, Paul is talking about the suffering they went through and how it was far beyond what they could handle. When we go through something that is difficult, it is an opportunity for us to look outside of ourselves and realize that only by depending on God will we ever make it through. I, with my fragile human heart, could never handle losing a child. But I set my hope on God and he will continue to deliver me. I give thanks for His gracious favor that has been given to me - which is in answer to the prayers of many people whom have loved us through our journey!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
~There is purpose in my pain. It is doing something. God is being glorified and for my good, I am being made to become more like His Son, Jesus. It is not in vain, not pointless, nothing wasted. I'll continue to fix my eyes on the unseen, the eternal and it propels me to keep walking forward, longing for that glorious day of redemption and reunion.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 - Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
~This hope is an anchor for my soul!
James 1:2-4 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
~I am thankful that by facing trials, God is using everything that happens to make me mature and complete. I have learned recently that blessings are not in fact, material possessions, prosperity or wealth but rather the developing of Godly character. I am blessed.
1 Peter 1:6-9 - In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
~I have been refined. Just like gold must go through fire for its impurities to be burned off, I too, am refined as I walk through painful situations. My prayer is for Jesus to be exalted as a result. Simultaneously, He fills me with indescribable joy as I trust in Him.
Enduring the loss of our child awakened in me a desperation for God's Word. I think often times, when we have been in relationship with God for awhile, we tend to become complacent or to approach our time reading the Bible as just another checklist. I have been there before. This trial stirred me to come before the Lord with an expectant heart, knowing He would be there to guide and counsel me through the dark. In those first few weeks, I would open up my Bible and the pages would soon be wet with tears as I met with the Lord and sought His face. There was truly no other place to turn that could provide the peace and hope that is offered through the Scriptures. It's the only book that is living and active, working to reveal who God is and how we can be changed by encountering Him.
This will not be all-encompassing but a snapshot of what God ministered through His Word to my hurting heart.
Psalm 34:18-19 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.
~God's presence through suffering is so large and magnificent, closer than my own breath. This world is not problem-free. I will experience hardship but more importantly, God will be close, He will save me and will be my Deliverer as I walk through it.
Psalm 73:23-26 - Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
~Those promises are priceless - He's always with me, He holds my hand, guides me and one day, will take me to be with Him. I knew before that God was all I needed but now I know that He's also all that I really want.
1 Corinthians 13:12 - Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
~There are so many things this side of Heaven that I don't understand. I can't see the full picture and the picture that I do see is clouded by my own sin and the sin of this world. I find rest in knowing that when I am with my Father for eternity, I will see face to face and I will know fully.
1 Corinthians 15:42-44 - So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.
~Though there is deep sadness that accompanies death, I am filled with hope as I read these words and know with full assurance that this will be true of Phoenix and also for all of us who put our trust in Jesus Christ as Savior.
1 Corinthians 15:55 - Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?
~As Christ followers, do we still grieve and mourn and cry in anguish over death? Absolutely. We also might be angry at death itself. Our hearts just know it isn't right. That's why Jesus came. And because Jesus rose from the grave and conquered death, it no longer has its sting. Our eternity secured trumps the temporary separation we experience when someone dies.
2 Corinthians 1:8-11 - We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
~Ever heard the phrase, "God will never give you more than you can handle."? Yeah, well, it's not in the Bible. Somewhere along the way it was made up. In these verses, Paul is talking about the suffering they went through and how it was far beyond what they could handle. When we go through something that is difficult, it is an opportunity for us to look outside of ourselves and realize that only by depending on God will we ever make it through. I, with my fragile human heart, could never handle losing a child. But I set my hope on God and he will continue to deliver me. I give thanks for His gracious favor that has been given to me - which is in answer to the prayers of many people whom have loved us through our journey!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
~There is purpose in my pain. It is doing something. God is being glorified and for my good, I am being made to become more like His Son, Jesus. It is not in vain, not pointless, nothing wasted. I'll continue to fix my eyes on the unseen, the eternal and it propels me to keep walking forward, longing for that glorious day of redemption and reunion.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 - Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
~This hope is an anchor for my soul!
James 1:2-4 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
~I am thankful that by facing trials, God is using everything that happens to make me mature and complete. I have learned recently that blessings are not in fact, material possessions, prosperity or wealth but rather the developing of Godly character. I am blessed.
1 Peter 1:6-9 - In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
~I have been refined. Just like gold must go through fire for its impurities to be burned off, I too, am refined as I walk through painful situations. My prayer is for Jesus to be exalted as a result. Simultaneously, He fills me with indescribable joy as I trust in Him.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
He Knows
"The Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, 'I know. I know.' The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but the eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain." ~ Ann Voskamp
A few days after losing Phoenix, the kids came with me to a follow-up appointment for a simple blood draw. While we were there, they eagerly requested band-aids for themselves as well, just for the fun of it. Later in the week, I was in Lily's room and glanced over at her nightstand. On it sits a maternity photo of Justin and I looking down at my belly, largely pregnant with Lily. Strategically placed over my womb in that photo was the band-aid Lily had been wearing. Instant tears welled up as I heard the Lord saying clear as a bell:
I see you. I know it hurts. Just watch how I'm going to love you through this.
I shared with Lily that experience and without missing a beat, she replied, "Yeah, that's why I put it there, Mommy." I was intrigued - "Why did you?" What came next was the beginning of many confirmations God would give me of His purposes through this trial. "Because I thought, 'Maybe if Mommy sees this, it will make her think that God is working inside of her."
Oh Lord Jesus, thank you. Thank you for who You are. Thank you for using my sweet girl, as You often do to speak great truth to me. Truth I need to be reminded of.
He knows. He is with me. He is working. He is more than enough. He is good. He never changes.
My Jesus is the same today as He was before January 18th. Because He came, died, rose again and LIVES, our baby is also risen. By grace alone, by placing our faith in Christ alone - Justin and I will go to our baby. We too, will rise.
Scripture has been breathing life into the aching parts of my soul over the past couple of months and I plan to share those truths soon. The gospel is freshly stirred within me. If anything, I think this trial has opened my eyes even more to how good God is.
"That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave." ~ Ann Voskamp
I'm seeing God a little more clearly. I'm seeing that through the tearing open of my soul, I have been given a gift. The thin, open places to see Him more.
I'm learning that joy and pain certainly do mingle. They both can simultaneously exist in the human heart. My desire is to continue to live open-handed. To not numb myself to fully living. To freely receive whatever He gives and freely release whatever He takes. Knowing that I can trust Him with my heart - after all, He created it and keeps it beating for as long as He deems.
Whatever hard thing you may be going through right now, this is my prayer for you - to turn your eyes upon Jesus. He is good, friends. And He knows.
A few days after losing Phoenix, the kids came with me to a follow-up appointment for a simple blood draw. While we were there, they eagerly requested band-aids for themselves as well, just for the fun of it. Later in the week, I was in Lily's room and glanced over at her nightstand. On it sits a maternity photo of Justin and I looking down at my belly, largely pregnant with Lily. Strategically placed over my womb in that photo was the band-aid Lily had been wearing. Instant tears welled up as I heard the Lord saying clear as a bell:
I see you. I know it hurts. Just watch how I'm going to love you through this.
I shared with Lily that experience and without missing a beat, she replied, "Yeah, that's why I put it there, Mommy." I was intrigued - "Why did you?" What came next was the beginning of many confirmations God would give me of His purposes through this trial. "Because I thought, 'Maybe if Mommy sees this, it will make her think that God is working inside of her."
Oh Lord Jesus, thank you. Thank you for who You are. Thank you for using my sweet girl, as You often do to speak great truth to me. Truth I need to be reminded of.
He knows. He is with me. He is working. He is more than enough. He is good. He never changes.
My Jesus is the same today as He was before January 18th. Because He came, died, rose again and LIVES, our baby is also risen. By grace alone, by placing our faith in Christ alone - Justin and I will go to our baby. We too, will rise.
Scripture has been breathing life into the aching parts of my soul over the past couple of months and I plan to share those truths soon. The gospel is freshly stirred within me. If anything, I think this trial has opened my eyes even more to how good God is.
"That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave." ~ Ann Voskamp
I'm seeing God a little more clearly. I'm seeing that through the tearing open of my soul, I have been given a gift. The thin, open places to see Him more.
I'm learning that joy and pain certainly do mingle. They both can simultaneously exist in the human heart. My desire is to continue to live open-handed. To not numb myself to fully living. To freely receive whatever He gives and freely release whatever He takes. Knowing that I can trust Him with my heart - after all, He created it and keeps it beating for as long as He deems.
Whatever hard thing you may be going through right now, this is my prayer for you - to turn your eyes upon Jesus. He is good, friends. And He knows.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Letters to Phoenix
Five years ago when I was pregnant with Lily, I decided I would write to our children and one day give them each their journals. So, just as I did with our other two children, I wrote an entry to Phoenix shortly after we learned we were expecting. As I prepared to write the night of our baby's burial, I went back and read that first entry and was struck by something I had said in the last paragraph....
I feel so blessed to get to be your mom. I wonder what you'll teach me. All of my children teach me something. And I am better because of that.
I obviously had no idea what those words would come to mean. But God knew. And He impressed that message on my heart, even then. The things I thought our child's life would teach me are different and yet far surpass my expectations. I've learned that when you step out on the open sea, it's not so scary when Jesus is holding your hand. I've learned just how precious the miracle of life at any level is and how I will take it for granted no more. I've learned that a mind focused on eternity transforms how we live out these fleeting, earthly days. In the book of James, he describes our life on earth as a mist that vanishes. I picture it like seeing my breath on a cold winter day...it appears for a second and then it's gone. That's my life. So the question is, how will I spend it? I'll keep surrendering and place all of my trust in the God who holds eternity in His hands. All because Jesus made a way for me to come to Him. I've learned that no matter what circumstances I face, God drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him is worth whatever rough terrain I must endure along the way. I didn't think I'd ever want to walk this hard road to get there but the reality of walking it has proved me wrong. I imagine Phoenix's life will continue to teach me lessons beyond these. Each new lesson is a wonderful surprise. Each one an opportunity for me to proclaim God's goodness and marvel in the beauty of His purposes unfolding.
My second - and last - letter:
My Baby Phoenix,
Oh, how I never wanted to have to write this kind of entry. Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. All of the dreams I had of you joining our family came crashing to the ground. I don't know at what point you stopped growing but yesterday marks the day when we discovered that you were gone. I was 11 weeks pregnant. So soon? My heart fills with so many emotions. Why?? My arms ache to hold you. My sweet third child whom God knit in my womb. I will miss you every day. The only reason I can continue on with joy and hope is because I know that God makes all things new and you are already in His arms, in Heaven and we'll get to see you when we get there. It seems way too far away right now. I can't wait to meet you and spend time together. What a precious gift you are. Grief is a strange thing. It comes in waves. Little triggers all the time. I know Lily is sad that everything has changed. She talks to me about it in her own way. She would have been a great big sister to you! And you would have gotten a kick out of your big brother. I can't dwell there very long. It hurts too much. I rest in knowing that Jesus will raise you until it's time for me and Daddy to be with you. The amazing thing is that we will be with you for far longer than we'll be apart. That soothes my soul like nothing else. I would really do anything to have you back with me. But this plan, even though it is excruciating right now, I know will glorify God somehow, someway...and I cling tightly to that promise. We chose the name Phoenix for you, not knowing what your gender is. I hope you like it. We felt it is important to name you, to acknowledge that you were as real of a person to us as any of our children. You were made by a holy God and you are sacred. We want to remember you and by commemorating your short life in as many ways as we can, I think will be healing. We are hurting right now but you are not, and never will. You will never know one ounce of suffering, pain or sorrow. Praise God! The arms of Jesus must feel so safe and secure. I will think about you, I will ask God what He wants to teach me through you, and I will share the glory and goodness of your life with others. I love you, sweet Phoenix. Until we meet...
~Mommy
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
I Am Not Alone
God often stirs me to worship through music. This song has been capturing my heart lately.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Naming our Baby
God has been doing so much over the last few weeks. This road of suffering that we are walking on has opened my eyes to many things but two of them stick out in my mind as I type this: God is so good. And this world is not as it should be. Oh, how I long for Heaven. Writing is healing for me and so it will be my joy to share what God has so carefully been teaching me through this time. In case you missed the previous post, click here to read the first of what I shared regarding our journey.
The process of losing our baby was spread out over several days and labor lasted about 16 hours. As I laid awake all night long and the miscarriage was becoming more inevitable, I started to contemplate gender neutral names. Deep in my bones, I felt the need to name this sweet, teeny tiny baby whose life lasted such a short time. I wanted to acknowledge that our baby is a real person. Although I was only able to carry him/her for 11 weeks, we had already embraced the idea of our new family of five. Mothers start dreaming about the impact their new little one will have, the minute they learn they're expecting. So in just a couple of months time, our sweet baby very much felt a part of us. In Psalm 139:16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God has numbered all of our days and he breathed life into our baby for the exact amount of time He had ordained. Though our child's physical presence on earth was short, my prayer is that the impact of his/her life will continue on for ages and bring glory to God.
We chose the name Phoenix for our baby. Early on in our marriage, it was actually on our list of boy names but since that time, we have heard it used for both boys and girls. It was a perfect fit. As I reflected on why it was so important to me to name this baby, I remembered a section from the book "One Thousand Gifts":
"Now, in the Bible a name reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather its essence as God's gift. To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God. To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it."
All along the way, we were very open with our kids about the baby. We decided to have a burial service for the baby the following day, knowing that it would bring some healing and also be an opportunity for Lily and Silas to be involved in the process of this loss in a special and significant way. As I tucked Lily in for bed that night, I asked her if there was any particular song she would like us to sing during the service. She requested "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." She loves it when I sing that song and use all of our names so it was precious to me that we would all get the chance to softly sing Phoenix's name as the last verse.
The next day, after a couple of appointments, the four of us gathered together to say goodbye or as I like to think of it....see you soon...to the baby. Justin and I both prayed and as he spoke to our Father, warm soothing tears were cascading down my face at the beauty of his words. He talked about how a newborn's only language is crying but our baby will not utter a single cry because he/she will never know pain or even discomfort. Phoenix will never experience anything less than perfection with Jesus. And then it started to rain. I wasn't able to see it at the time, but now when I think of the rain in that moment, I view it as God's tears running down - He was entering into our sorrow and suffering with us. We lifted our voices in song and declared, "He's got little baby Phoenix in His hands..."
And then as we turned to leave, Silas waved and said "Bye. Love you."
Some days are harder than others. One thing that never changes is Jesus and how He keeps meeting me right where I'm at. I know I am learning things here in this valley that I could have learned no other way. Although the heartache is sometimes immense, I feel safe, loved and cared for. God has provided His perfect peace, which is beyond my understanding. I know now with all assurance, that no matter what circumstance I may find myself in, His presence is all I need.
Isaiah 26:3 - You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he commits himself to you, leans on you and hopes confidently in you.
Lyrics to the song "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews:
You're not alone for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My Love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the One who's loved you all your life, all your life
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you
The process of losing our baby was spread out over several days and labor lasted about 16 hours. As I laid awake all night long and the miscarriage was becoming more inevitable, I started to contemplate gender neutral names. Deep in my bones, I felt the need to name this sweet, teeny tiny baby whose life lasted such a short time. I wanted to acknowledge that our baby is a real person. Although I was only able to carry him/her for 11 weeks, we had already embraced the idea of our new family of five. Mothers start dreaming about the impact their new little one will have, the minute they learn they're expecting. So in just a couple of months time, our sweet baby very much felt a part of us. In Psalm 139:16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God has numbered all of our days and he breathed life into our baby for the exact amount of time He had ordained. Though our child's physical presence on earth was short, my prayer is that the impact of his/her life will continue on for ages and bring glory to God.
We chose the name Phoenix for our baby. Early on in our marriage, it was actually on our list of boy names but since that time, we have heard it used for both boys and girls. It was a perfect fit. As I reflected on why it was so important to me to name this baby, I remembered a section from the book "One Thousand Gifts":
"Now, in the Bible a name reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather its essence as God's gift. To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God. To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it."
All along the way, we were very open with our kids about the baby. We decided to have a burial service for the baby the following day, knowing that it would bring some healing and also be an opportunity for Lily and Silas to be involved in the process of this loss in a special and significant way. As I tucked Lily in for bed that night, I asked her if there was any particular song she would like us to sing during the service. She requested "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." She loves it when I sing that song and use all of our names so it was precious to me that we would all get the chance to softly sing Phoenix's name as the last verse.
The next day, after a couple of appointments, the four of us gathered together to say goodbye or as I like to think of it....see you soon...to the baby. Justin and I both prayed and as he spoke to our Father, warm soothing tears were cascading down my face at the beauty of his words. He talked about how a newborn's only language is crying but our baby will not utter a single cry because he/she will never know pain or even discomfort. Phoenix will never experience anything less than perfection with Jesus. And then it started to rain. I wasn't able to see it at the time, but now when I think of the rain in that moment, I view it as God's tears running down - He was entering into our sorrow and suffering with us. We lifted our voices in song and declared, "He's got little baby Phoenix in His hands..."
And then as we turned to leave, Silas waved and said "Bye. Love you."
Some days are harder than others. One thing that never changes is Jesus and how He keeps meeting me right where I'm at. I know I am learning things here in this valley that I could have learned no other way. Although the heartache is sometimes immense, I feel safe, loved and cared for. God has provided His perfect peace, which is beyond my understanding. I know now with all assurance, that no matter what circumstance I may find myself in, His presence is all I need.
Isaiah 26:3 - You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he commits himself to you, leans on you and hopes confidently in you.
Lyrics to the song "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews:
You're not alone for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My Love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the One who's loved you all your life, all your life
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Our Glory Baby
The song below has been on repeat in our home the past few weeks. I am clinging to the promises John Piper speaks about midway through. God, the One who has numbered each of our days, lovingly planned for our third child to be with us on earth for just 11 weeks of pregnancy. We lost our baby almost 3 weeks ago and through this time of suffering, I have been still with tear stained eyes to hear what the Lord might say. He has been so near. He has allowed me to see things in a new way through the lens of suffering. It has produced in me a mind fixed on eternity like nothing else before. I am resting in the truth that I will be with that child for far longer than we will be apart. I would love to share in the coming days/weeks what God has been showing me as He holds me through the pain. He is always good and I am always loved.
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