Letter to Phoenix: 5 Years Later

Dear Phoenix,

   Five years since we said hello and goodbye on the same day. Something has changed in me the last few months. And so I celebrate this day truly as a celebration. I rejoice for you, that you've only known the perfection of Jesus's loving presence.

   A mother's love is deep. How can my love be so strong for a child that I haven't known the joy of holding? It simply is. I feel the same way about two children growing up in an orphanage in CAR. When the Lord plants love in a heart, it is He who keeps it there.

   This morning I opened my Bible to Psalm 18.  Verses 1-3 beautifully describe the Lord, the One who has you under His care. These verses tell me He is my strength, my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my refuge, my shield, my salvation, my stronghold, and that He is worthy of praise. I testify that He has been, is, and forever will be, all these things to me. It was your life and death that God used to intensely show me the truth of these verses.

   You, my child, are the precious gift that started me down the path of learning to live a life of lament. These five years have been a series of one trial after another. It's not what I pictured. And so I am growing to be a woman who can exchange my picture for what God has had planned, before the foundation of the world. He knows better than me.

   Lily and Silas still talk about you, which is special. We all get excited when we imagine what it will be like to finally live together. To see you run, jump and play on the New Earth will redeem all the tears and pain. The temporary things I see now will fade soon. Knowing I will one day stand before my God, fuels everything I do now. You've lifted my gaze heavenward! My True Home feels closer every day.

   For now though, I am here...winter in Iowa. It is a frigid and blustery day. The kids and I will bundle up to venture out into the snow and release balloons. We will think of you. We will talk about you. And we will know that you are safe and secure and underneath all of us are the Everlasting Arms.

   I love you, Phoenix. I celebrate you. And I celebrate the good God who made you, keeps you and gives you eternal life.

Love,
Mommy

Adoption: A Picture of the Gospel

I recently returned from my third trip to CAR, while we continue to wait upon the Lord for His perfect timing in bringing Sacre and Jovanie home.  Justin and I traveled together in July of 2016 to meet the children and since that time, God has called me to return two additional times without Justin.  On the front end, I have viewed it very simplified both times: spend more time with the children bonding while we continue to wait for the process to be completed.  But just like many other times in our relationship with the Lord, He is faithful to reveal greater & deeper purposes once we have taken the step of obedience.  While in-country, the Father did that very thing.  There were many purposes in Him calling me to return that I could have never known til I was standing on African soil.

The entire week was abundantly joyful.  And then comes the morning of departure.  That morning is always difficult for all of the children at the orphanage.  As we approached the vehicle, they began to sing a good-bye song and their tears started flowing.  I asked the house father to translate to my children "I am trusting that God will allow us to come pick them up soon."  Once we got in the truck, the driver realized he needed to re-fuel.  In the meantime, my son came over to the window and fixed his eyes on me.  I rolled the window down and for about 10 minutes while we waited for the re-fueling, I stroked his hand and offered the gift of reassuring, comforting words.  It was a sacred moment.  I have experienced several sacred moments along the way and it makes me smile as I remember that my son's name means Sacred Heart in French.  He indeed has one.

As we made the drive back to the capital city, I told the house father that what I asked him to translate did not seem to comfort them much.  He responded, "They know it, but for right now - they cannot stand the separation."

After I got back home, that phrase kept echoing in my mind.  The Lord helped me see it as a tangible image of Romans 8:23 which says, "we groan inwardly waiting for the adoption."  Once we are saved, we know we have been adopted into God's family.  We are His child.  But we have not yet experienced the physical fulfillment of that adoption.  We should groan and long to finally be with Him face to face forever.  Just like my son did. The touches of heaven we experience here should make us hunger and thirst for the full reality.  Just as my affectionate touches upon my adopted son and daughter cause them to long for the day when they are finally in our arms, experiencing the full and glorious reality of their earthly adoption.

This beautiful reminder helps me understand my Heavenly Father's heart toward me and my heart toward Him.  Adoption truly is a picture of the gospel.  And that makes it worth every trial and hardship it takes until we are together at last.

Come Home

I love how God shows us profound principles through everyday circumstances.  Today while retrieving our runaway dog, was one of those times for me.

During Jax's earlier years, he would escape from our fenced-in backyard any chance he got.  He was eager for adventure and exploration.  Now, at 12 years old, he doesn't venture out as much and doesn't get as far away as he used to, but will still attempt to, on a regular basis.  Our fence has seen its better days and so there are many spots where he is able to crawl under and begin to trot happily around our neighborhood.  I keep thinking, "what if one of these days, a driver doesn't see him crossing the road?"  I can't bear to think of the outcome.

Today, I realized Jax had escaped and set out to find him.  I quickly saw that he was in the neighbor's yard across the street and as I approached him, holding out my arms, he stood still and hung his head, waiting for me to pick him up.  In that moment, my eyes were opened to how such a simple circumstance had so clearly mirrored how God our Father views a wayward child.

I wasn't mad at him.  I just love him and don't want him to get hurt.  While surrounding spaces might look appealing to Jax, I know as his loving authority that he will be safer and happier where he belongs - with our family.  This is true of us as God's children! When we wander from our safe place of close communion with the Lord, He doesn't look at us through a lens of condemnation.  He loves us and doesn't want us to get hurt.  He also knows that, just like Jax wandering into the street, it may tragically be to our destruction if we keep going our own way.  He loves us too much to sit back and let that happen!  So, as our loving authority, He pursues us in our wandering.  He approaches us with His arms open wide.

If we humble ourselves and allow Him to pick us up, we'll hear Him say "Come back where you belong - at home in my arms."  And He will carry us there.

Letter to the {8th} Birthday Girl

Dear Lily,

It's crazy to me that we are celebrating eight years of life with you!  I delight in learning who God made you to be and also being flexible enough to roll with the changes that come.  I continue to be surprised that the Lord would give me such a tremendous gift of beauty - the gift of you.

This year I started to recognize different parts of your character deepen.  You truly are a compassionate person.  I can sense your heartache when you are aware of other people going through a time of pain or suffering.  You also value justice.  When we read through the missionary stories each morning, you are moved with a righteous justice when you hear details of people being treated wrongly and it impacts you.  I wonder about how God might use those beautiful Christ-like qualities in you to make a difference in this world, as you grow.  I pray you'll listen to His voice and follow His call, wherever that may lead.

You are still very reserved and quiet when meeting new people or around adults.  I want you to know that is not a bad thing.  I was the same as a little girl.  However, I want you to open up that heart of yours to be willing to be stretched and changed for the glory of God.  We can each learn and grow as we seek Him in humble surrender.

I love your joy and your thoughtfulness.  I really enjoy that you are still interested in having lots of conversations and quality time with me.  I cherish the opportunity to be together and I'm always mindful that the abundant quantity we get never diminishes how much it means to both of us.

You are such a helper!  You have become quite sufficient in household functions.  A couple months ago, Daddy and I were sick on the same night and you did the homemaking tasks so well, without any help.  It was such an encouragement to me.

This year, our family gained two pets through you.  You bought Lola with your own money and caring for that sweet bunny has been both a lesson in responsibility and an added element of fun to our home.  For Christmas, Grandma Niki gave you your dream pet - your very own horse!  Your spirit soars when you are with Freedom and I am looking forward to seeing you make memories with her.  You two are a great match!

When we are doing our homeschool curriculum, you are constantly needing to be reminded to focus on your 2nd grade work instead of giving your brother his preschool answers.  Though it can be frustrating, it does reveal your desire to teach and lead, which I have confidence will be a blessing in various ways as you mature.

You and I are so much alike and yet I marvel at how God made you uniquely.  I like your company and consider it a remarkable privilege to walk with you through life.  Your smile warms my heart.  I pray that today and always, you will know how much you are treasured.  The God of the Universe pursues you as His daughter and calls you His own.  You are loved with an everlasting love.  Happy 8th Birthday, Lily.

Love,
Mommy

Exodus 14

Over the last year, the Lord has led me to Exodus 14 several times to encourage my heart.  On January 24th (5 days before our adoptive children were declared ours), it was on the docket for the portion I was to read according to my reading plan.  But as I opened up my Bible and started reading the text, it became clear that it was the sovereign hand of God that had ordained the timing of when I would be reading it again.  At a crucial time when I needed it and He met me personally there on those pages. This passage has never been so vibrant before my eyes as it was on that morning.

Normally I don't share the intimate writings between the Lord and I that are written in my prayer journal.  However, I am feeling compelled to see this as an exception, so as to declare the majesty of my King. As I look back and see how precisely He fulfilled each and every word, I am in awe.  My desire is that others will be as well.

Exodus 14:4 - "But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army."

~ God intentionally sets it all up like this because He is setting the stage for one of the greatest acts of His glory.  When the time is right, He wipes out the Israelites' opposition and clears the way for them. Oh Lord, do the same for us! We have faced so many obstacles but if we had not, we also would not have seen you display "I am the Lord".  You have set the stage now, in our adoption case. We have endured much opposition.  Eyes are watching to see what You will do.  I ask, as your Daughter, that Monday be the right time for you to wipe out our opposition and clear the way ahead. Thank You for this new surge of hope from the Scriptures. You will get all the glory.

Exodus 14:13-14 - "Do not be afraid.  Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

~ Every word is fresh for now.  I need to not be afraid for Monday.  I must stand firm and see the deliverance You will bring that day.  The Court of Appeal we will never see again.  You, the Lord, will fight for us; we need only to be still.  To sit still and wait requires tremendous strength, and you supply it by your Holy Spirit.

Exodus 14:19-20 - "Then the angel of God who had been in front of Israel's army, went behind them.  The pillar of cloud also did.  The cloud brought darkness to one side and light to the other."

~Oh Lord, would you shed light upon us while You set your stage of glory.

Exodus 14:21 - "all that night, the Lord drove the sea back."

~ Father, Sunday night into Monday, drive the sea back.  You are at work while we wait - far before we see the evidence.  We have a flickering flame of hope that You won't let be blown out.

Exodus 14:24 - "During the last watch of the night, the Lord looked down..."

~ God loves to show up at the last moment, against all odds.

Exodus 14:25 - "Let's get away from the Israelites!  The Lord is fighting for them against Egypt."

~Lord, may all, including our opposition, recognize that God Almighty is fighting for the Joneses and for Sacre and Jova.

Exodus 14:31 - "When the Israelites saw the great power the Lord displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the Lord and put their trust in Him."

~This is what I want, Abba!  When people see what You have done for us, may they fear You and put their trust in You - some for the first time!

He's in the Waiting

The last three years have been a season of waiting and recently the Lord impressed upon my heart to journal all I could think of that He has been faithful to teach me in the wait.  On Monday of this week, our family celebrated that God declared through the African courts that two children are no longer orphans - they are Joneses.  Prayerfully, we anticipate them coming home later this year.  Next month will mark 2 years since we said Yes to adoption but the more I thought about it, the waiting season extends back 3 years, to when we lost our third child, Phoenix, and have been waiting upon the Lord to fulfill the desire He planted in our hearts to grow our family.

It strengthens my faith to look at the inner work that the Lord has done during this time and my hope is that it will also be used in His hands to strengthen others in their own times of waiting.  May He receive all the glory!

** As God's children, we must remember that it is waiting upon the Lord.  If we wait upon an event/person/thing, our strength will be depleted and we will go mad.  Our strength is renewed when we instead, wait on the Lord.

** God's timing can be trusted, no matter what.  He knows things we don't.

** All of our experiences during the wait are kind preparations from a loving God for a future that only He can see.

** God is more concerned about the journey than the destination and wants us to be as well.  What He is doing IN us is extremely important - the deepening of our character. If we are still waiting, it means He still has more work to do.

** He taught me to how to pray persistently, consistently, eagerly and with faith.

** The waiting can be a "space of grace" if we lean into it and embrace how God wants to grow us and strip us of sin.

** Our faith will be tested in the waiting. This is where it becomes crucial to go back to what God has said.  His affirmations hold more weight than what the enemy brings.  When we endure the tests and come out victorious, our faith increases as well as our confidence in God's word.

** Voices of doubt may sometimes even come from well-meaning loved ones.  We must rely steadfast on what we know to be true.

** God is faithful to reveal hidden sins.  He wants to show us what things we are prone to depend on that are not Him.  He wants to keep us humble, which is the only way to experience intimacy with Him.

** Celebrating others' success protects us from jealousy.

** It takes tremendous strength to sit still and wait.  It is my natural inclination to jump to action and the Lord is teaching me the beauty of surrender.  There is a peculiar peace that comes with it.  To sit still and wait for the Lord to act truly does require the strength of Christ, in which I can do all things.

** We are not in control.  The idea that we are, is a false illusion.  God is the Blessed Controller of all things.  It is kind of God to always remind us that He is God and we are not.

** God is not inactive in our wait.  He works around the clock for us, as we wait on Him.  He never sleeps, nor does He need our help.  He simply invites us into the process, to seek and worship Him while He works.

** Waiting develops compassion.  A suffering servant of the Lord is a compassionate servant.  We become people that look over our shoulder, compelled to love on others who are coming up behind us that are asked to walk that same road of hardship.

** He wants me to seek Him both with boldness and surrender.  I can approach His throne of grace asking for my desires, while at the same time holding it open-handed.  I do this knowing that if He answers differently, it has got to be for my best, because He is a God who only gives what is best.  His ways are better than mine.

** He shifts my heart to want the Giver more than the gifts.

The two songs below have greatly ministered to me recently.  I know the Lord will have me walk through more waiting in this life.  It is to be expected, for much of our journey on earth is about waiting. I find Him in all of it - the God of both the mountains and the valleys.

Take Courage

More Than Anything

Letter to Phoenix: 3 Years Later

Dear Phoenix,

Time is a strange thing and it keeps marching on.  I couldn't have guessed three years ago today, how much God would use you to change me.  A sweet friend of mine who is also acquainted with the grief of losing a child told me right away that the pain never goes away, it just becomes different over time.  She was right.  It has become like an old friend to me.  It has shifted from an intense, unwelcome guest to a faithful companion who ever reminds me of all I have learned and how near Christ is in our sufferings.

One of the great privileges of this journey is to come alongside other women who have walked the same road.  My pain is redeemed as I minister to others in theirs.  We draw strength from one another and in so doing, we experience the beauty of community.  It is never a group I would have wanted to join and yet it has brought a depth and richness to my life that could have come no other way.

Lily and Silas still bring you up in conversation.  It shows me that your short earthly life keeps beating on inside of them as well.  It is comforting to observe that they care about your life’s purpose, which is ours as well – to glorify God.  You are indeed our anchor in Heaven, pulling us there, until we arrive at last.

I recently finished up a study through the book of Esther.  While meditating on the significance of Purim being a celebration of the Jews’ deliverance, God brought to mind that January 18^th, for me, has been transformed from a day of loss into a day of deliverance.  It was on this day last year – 2017 – that the Lord kept me awake through all the watches of the night to minister to my wounded heart.  He addressed fears, lies and questions that had been lurking for two years.  He brought them all to the surface so they could be dealt with.  It was truly a night of healing.  I smiled through tears when I realized that He, as my Father, had specially chosen the day that represented such suffering and sorrow to be my day of awakening and deliverance.

I think all humans are captivated by the beauty of art because our Creator instilled that in our design when He made us.  When an artist is painting a masterpiece, it is mesmerizing to see what’s taking shape with every stroke of the brush, little by little.  At the same time, it is so very hard to make sense of what the final piece shall be.  I think that’s the life we’re living right now.  There have been some beautiful, interesting, puzzling, brilliant, strokes & sweeps of the brush from our Master Painter.  We look intently to what He is doing.  And yet, there is so much we don’t know or understand – seeing only in part.  We simply trust that the final masterpiece will be breathtaking.  And we will hold hands as we take it all in, and stand in awe and wonder.

I am thankful to be your mother.  God’s divine grace made it so.

All my love,

Mommy

Hidden

As 2017 comes to a close, I look ahead and ask the Lord what word should be my meditation in the coming year.  The last word He impressed upon my heart was Surrender and 2017 gave me significant opportunities to apply that theme.  And the Lord has spoken again.  The word He gives for 2018 - HIDDEN.

He reminds me that He has been teaching me the last few months about the beauty of keeping a quiet heart.  As I live in a world that is becoming increasingly noisy, I am beckoned by God to embrace the quiet inner life.  I am just wrapping up an in-depth study through the book of Esther.  Prior to this, I had never noticed that God's name is found nowhere on the pages of Esther.  Even so, the movement of God is abundantly evident throughout the storyline.  When God seems hidden, we can rest assured that His presence in His children's lives most certainly is not.  There may be seasons in which we must rely on what we know to be true, not putting stock into our feelings that lead us into thinking God has left us or that He is far away.  He is always near to His precious ones, even when we cannot feel His presence.

The name Esther comes from the verbal root in Hebrew str, meaning "to conceal" or "hidden".  One day as I was studying, Lily made a striking comment - "Esther was poor on the outside but rich on the inside.  So, God exalted her.  He made her rich on the outside (queen) and poor (humble) on the inside so she could go before the king for her people.  She cared more about them than herself.  The king just thought he was selecting a beautiful girl but really it was God who chose her."  This profound description by my daughter made my spirit rise up and say, "I want to be like Esther!".  She naturally won the favor of the king and everyone around her, out of the overflow of living to please God.  That kind of woman is attractive in the most important way.

On the last pages of Esther, it is fascinating that her name is the only one not included in the synopsis, among the other main characters.  One thing we can conclude is that receiving credit is the wrong reason to do the right thing.  I am confronted by this beautiful truth, which helps me to see that I often seek glory for myself.  I am drawn to this hidden life that Esther displayed.  What this looks like in the 21st century as a homeschooling mother does hold much different details than Esther's life, but the inner message is the same.  I can embrace even the most mundane moments of homemaking, knowing that I do them unto the Lord - my audience of ONE.  I can take photos of my kids and delight that my eyes got to view that memory being made, without foolishly thinking that social media exposure would have made it any more valuable.  I can wait for loved ones to ask for wisdom before offering it.  When there are areas in my husband's life I think would benefit from changes, I can take it to the Lord in prayer rather than vocalize those thoughts.  I can cherish a small, core group of friends who challenge and inspire me to seek Jesus more.  I can purpose to prioritize face-to-face connection in a culture where online friendship has become the norm.  I can be quick to listen and slow to speak.  All of these everyday ways adding up to the call of living life HIDDEN.

Colossians 3:3 says, "For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."  I have died to my old self and my desire is that when people are around me, they won't even see Rachael anymore, but Christ, who lives in me.  And when troubles come, I will remember that He is truly my Hiding Place.

"I am hidden in the safety of Your love.  I trust Your heart and Your intentions.  I've never known this kind of friend." ~ Hidden by United Pursuit

Letter to the {5th} Birthday Boy

Silas,

As we celebrate this milestone of a birthday - half a decade gone by - I am taking time to reflect on who you are and how your Creator God made you.  The other day, I was doubled over in laughter at the reality that you and I were matched up together as child and parent.  We are complete opposites!  It was not a laughter of mockery but rather a joyous laughter, reveling in the sheer delight that we serve a God that has a sense of humor.  He loves to orchestrate the details of life in such a way that makes us grow, depend on Him and experience adventure as we get out of our comfort zone.  Life is never boring with you!

Thought it's true that you are fun, silly and humorous, I have also seen a side of you emerge that inspires me to dream of your future as a warrior for the Kingdom.  This year, I have heard you say and pray things that glorify God greatly.  Very recently, I've noticed a pattern in your prayers in which you speak God's Scriptures back to Him.  There's nothing more powerful!  It is my desire to call you forth, naming the godly attributes I see in you.  God is forming a unique story in your life - a story the world needs to hear and you're the one to tell it.  You'll have the privilege of being able to proclaim your testimony, which will have the power in God's hands to transform lives.

Your high energy forces me to always be dialed in.  This is good for someone like me, who tends to veer toward laziness.  Colossians 1:29 says that I labor with all His energy that works so powerfully in me.  I'm keenly aware on a daily basis that it is by the Spirit's energy and power alone that I am able to mother you well.  While it is frequently difficult in these training years to channel all of that energy for good, I have great confidence that one day, I will see the fruit of the labor as you depart our home and head out into the field to reap a harvest for the gospel.  God keeps supplying me with great faith that all of the sweat and tears I pour out today will be worth it as you - one of the arrows of our quiver - launch for His glory.

Another area that is both a refining tool and a tremendous blessing, is the opportunity I get to teach you and Lily to love one another.  Since your personalities are like oil and water, I often remind you both that these years together in our home can be used to help you learn how to love, serve and bless someone that is different than you.  It is good training ground for later years, which hold the likelihood of roommates, neighbors, co-workers, spouse or children that are different than you.  Simply, we are called to love.

Speaking of love, I can absolutely say without a doubt that you have a big heart and display that through your endearing doses of affection.  I did not grow up with much affection, so that has been another piece of redemption and healing that I've experienced through your life.  On this note of affection and friendliness, you hardly know a stranger.  Your winsome spirit captures the hearts of people around you.

Silas, you are a strong male.  We knew it from the time you were an infant, son!  I remember you had just begun to walk and were already able to push your sister around in a laundry basket.  What I've been honing in on with you is the notion that although physical strength is awesome, being strong on the inside is of utmost importance.  Having great self-control will set you apart from other males and for this reason, we prioritize practicing it in many different ways.  May you strive to become a man of deep spiritual character, living out the fruits of the Spirit and thereby being a man of strength in the truest sense of the word.

I thank the Lord for bringing into our family the sweet gift of Silas.  Because of you, smiles, laughter, activity, adventure, affection, messes, fun and love abound.  You, my son, are a blessing.  I fix my eyes on Jesus, the One who came to make a Way and who will forever hold us as we journey on.  Happy 5th Birthday, Silas.

All my love,
Mommy

The Beauty of the Wait

“But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” 

~ Micah 7:7

Waiting on God.  This comes up a lot in Christian talk.  It’s all fine and dandy until you experience it.  I’m here to testify that the process is painful.  I will also testify that my growth as a person and follower of Jesus has significantly intensified as a result of my God-given season of waiting.  Though I am still very much in the wait, God has already allowed me to become victorious in my heart and mind.

The first thing God needed to do in this process for me, was to get me to slow down.  I was caught up in the traps the enemy uses to keep humans – especially Americans – from being ineffective and not close to the Lord: busyness and distraction.  My health challenges, sovereignly allowed by my Father, forced me to slow way down.  I see that now as His kindness.  What I was able to discover is that when I slow down, I can hear His voice.  It’s amazing!  It’s no longer a here-and-there experience but rather a moment by moment dialogue with the King of the Universe.  When I was busy & distracted, not only could I not hear but I also didn’t have eyes to see all that He was doing in and around me.  The scales have fallen from my eyes and my ears are now unlocked to hear Him in every facet of my life.  And I truly feel unworthy to have that privilege, all the while accepting it with exuberant thankfulness! 

After the Lord trained me to slow down, He could then begin the process of teaching me to wait on Him in all things.  Right now, I am currently gifted with the opportunity to wait on Him in three major areas:

Adoption

Health

Finances

Now, these three take on different forms but the theme remains the same.  Wait and Trust.  The building and toning of spiritual muscle requires much repetition and practice, just as physical muscle requires.  During the training, God is not some harsh taskmaster.  He is a Father who delights in His children.  So, sometimes He throws in some small tests, so we can see ourselves triumphing in Him.  Much like physical conditioning, it is encouraging to see how far we’ve come.  It empowers us to move forward. 

God gave me one of these small tests recently.  But I had to put into practice what He had already taught me – to slow down, trust, and wait.  I am not a runner.  But I have been itching to start using my Couch25K app and begin to jog & walk.  My pitiful running shoes that I bought in college 15 years ago just weren’t going to cut it.  So, I headed to a local store that is very knowledgeable when it comes to running shoes.  I knew going into it, that the shoes they carry are far beyond our budget but I simply wanted to find out what shoes are the right fit for me.  Well, lo and behold, I was captivated by the pair I tried on. (Isn’t it silly how material things can have that pull on our hearts?).  So, now I was at a crossroads.  Either I could keep wearing my worn out pair and continue getting the dreaded shin splints or just not exercise at all.  I didn’t like either of those options but neither Justin nor I were comfortable spending that amount of money on a pair of running shoes for someone who is definitely not planning to train for a marathon!  So, I got in the van and prayed.  God has taught me to bring Him everything.  I brought before Him my desire/need to find a pair of shoes.  I asked Him that out of His sweetness, would He please lead the way and provide?  And then I waited.  10 days to be exact.

 Lily and I headed to Kohl’s to find her a new pair of dress shoes.  While we were there, I was just going to check on their running shoe selection.  You’re already connecting the dots, aren’t you? J  Long story short, He led me to the treasure of a pair of shoes that were the only pair in my size that were mysteriously marked all the way down to $17.99 from $74.99.  All the other shoes tucked neatly in their boxes of that same style, showing no price discount.  Are you serious?!  Wow, only God. In my heart, I was reminded all over again of the beauty of the wait.  When my striving ceases, I get to watch Him show up.  He knows not only my needs but also my wants, better than I do.  And then when the time is right, He lavishes!

My daily devotional a few days later echoed what He had shown: “You may be able to rush the unfolding of some aspects of God’s will, but you harm His work in the long run.”  In James 1 it tells us that perseverance must finish its work so we may be mature and complete.  When I used to read this, I’d think ‘I want to be mature and complete!  Oh, waiting and suffering is the way?  Um, no thanks, God.’  If I’m honest, I was content before, to have a shallow relationship with God because I wanted nothing to do with the pain and suffering required to go deeper.  But God wanted more for me as His daughter.  And He knew His grace would be sufficient for every moment of my weakness.  So now, the contentment to stay in shallow waters having been gloriously shattered, I find myself joyously treading water out in the deep ocean waves.  Out there, I am well aware that I am like Peter, the risk always before me of sinking, the minute I let go of Jesus’s hand.

Another thing waiting has produced in me is compassion.  When my kids are fidgeting in the grocery check-out lane, I bend down and whisper, “I know it’s hard to wait.  It’s not fun sometimes.  But I know you can do it.  I believe in you!”  And their restlessness turns into a smile.  Just like mine does when my Father encourages me.

Because I’m human and earth-bound, I still have moments – even whole days – where I’m on my knees, back in that familiar place of desperation.  But I can now appreciate the beautiful contrast it creates, an almost rhythmic dance of joy and pain.  God knows when I need the rain, when I need the sunshine and exactly how much of each.  When the sunshine comes, I receive it as a gift to the contrast of those gloomy moments when I need to search a little extra more for His face.  I take comfort in Jeremiah 29:13 that reassures me I will always find Him when I seek Him with all of my heart.  He will be found.

By God’s grace alone, when more waiting opportunities come, I can respond in childlike faith: “Yes, Daddy.”  Because I know from experience, He only has good on the other side.

The Great Provider

The UNEXPECTED.

Our friend, Janel, gave us the heads up at the very beginning of our adoption journey that this would happen.  “Expect the unexpected”, were her words.  And by golly, we’ve experienced it.  I suspect we’ll continue to, knowing how God always has something up His sleeve and loves to lavish His kids.

We started our puzzle fundraiser last week.  Puzzle pieces are $20 each.  So, imagine our surprise when we opened an envelope to find this check, gifted to us for one piece.

The shock never wears off.  It never ceases to drop us to our knees, in awe of our Great Provider and how He uses His people.

Now, the amount here is astonishing.  But I will say, that the Lord has also blown us away equally by small amounts.  One such time was a young lady showing up at our front door with tears in her eyes.  As she handed me a $10 bill, she said, “I know it’s not much but I heard you were adopting and I just want to say Thank You for that decision.  I was adopted myself.”  Only God does stuff like this.  And He, for His incredible reasons, chose to draw us into this story.

So, cheers to another link in the chain that strengthens us for the journey ahead.  God’s got this.  And He’s got those two precious ones while we continue to wait, and watch, and be surprised by joy at every turn.

Email to Kari Jobe

Below is an email I just sent to Kari Jobe.  Whether I ever get a response back or not, I felt compelled to share what God has done.  He is so good!  Maybe it will bless whoever reads it.

Hi Kari,

I don't know if this message will actually get all the way to you but I am hoping so!  I will be coming to your concert in Ames on the 24th and I wish now I had purchased the VIP tickets so I could tell you this face to face.

The Garden has become a worship set to me that has taken on such personal meaning.  The songs are truly written on my heart.  In January of 2015, we lost our third child.  Following the devastation of that loss, I started dealing with immense health struggles.  Through this suffering, God led us to adopt.  We are currently in process to bring home an 11 year old boy and 7 year old girl (siblings) from Africa later this year.  While going through much pain in the waiting season, I would listen to your lyrics and the Lord would bring peace, hope and ultimately healing to my soul, though my physical healing has not yet come.  I have learned He needed to do emotional and spiritual healing far more than physical.  And yet I still trust Him eagerly and with confidence to bring the physical in His time.

I have always loved the name Ivy for a girl.  Months ago, God helped me to discover that it means faithfulness.  Our African daughter is named Jovanie (which sounds similar to Ivy when spoken out loud).  We will be keeping that and adding Ivy as her middle name.  So, when I heard Ivy in "The Garden", my ears perked up.  Just this morning, I got on your website and read the story behind this album.  I was completely blown away by what I read.  Your sister's loss of a child was the beginning of the birth of these songs.  Our loss is what began my own journey of healing.  Ivy was James's middle name; Ivy is the middle name God gave me for our adopted daughter.  And then I went on to read what you described about ivy....how it is the most resilient plant, able to grow in harsh climates and situations.  Our daughter Jovanie Ivy has done just that - growing in a harsh climate and situation until she comes home to us.

I praise God for how He imparted all of this to both of us in different ways, through the work of the Holy Spirit.  I hope you are blessed in knowing this, as I am!  He truly does make all things new.

Letter to the {7th} Birthday Girl

My Lily girl,

Every year that I sit down to write you a birthday letter, I am just more in love with the girl God made you to be.

We have been enjoying our second full year of homeschooling and I view it as such a privilege that God has called us to it.  You have grown so much in your reading skills!  Your eyes light up as you discover the beauty of the written word.  It's a huge blessing to my heart that we share a love for books.

One key characteristic of yours that stands out to me over the past year is compassion.  You are moved to show love to the hurting and I have great confidence that the Lord will use you to minister to others.  There is much brokenness in this world and we need people like you, to reach out and touch it.  I believe you will and I believe God will get the glory and you'll get a whole bunch of joy.  It's the adverse circumstances that cry out for compassion, like when Grandma Shirley went home to Heaven a few weeks ago.  Every time I would glance over your direction, I would see your hand rubbing your grandma's back or your arm around her.  It was a beautiful sight to behold and I praised God for the way He's working in you.

I have also come to see you as a teacher.  You delight in passing along truth to other people.  In our home, this mostly manifests itself in your relationship with Silas.  I have to keep gently reminding you that we need to let him answer so he can learn. :)  Another context you've loved the opportunity to use this gift is in the D6 room at church.  Every few weeks I'm scheduled in the 1st & 2nd grade room to teach during the second service.  Every time, you choose to attend first service and then stick around for second, so you can be my little assistant, "teaching" all the things you learned the hour before.  We have such a great time together doing this!  And I am happy to let you practice using this gift that will inevitably reap blessings down the road.  As I dream about the future homecoming of Sacre and Jovanie, I see this as a way that God perfectly planned things for our family.  You have already been telling me all of the things you're excited to show and teach your brother and sister.  You are most of all eager to share your love with them.

Even the challenges and working on heart issues have been something that I've grown to be thankful for.  There are a couple classes within our homeschool co-op group that you're not a big fan of.  One morning when I was your class aide, I observed that you refused to participate.  It ended up being a great teachable moment later.  Our hearts connected as I entered in and empathized with the fact that sometimes life presents situations that aren't our favorite.  But we must be people that are open and flexible.  You agreed that you'll be willing to give things a chance, even if you're doubtful.  That will take you so far, sweetie!

Another area that has been a huge theme to work on, is trust.  Oh, how I identify with this one also! And I think God, in His amazing way, uses our own struggles as parents as a humbling tool, so we can stoop down to help our children with theirs.  It's really quite beautiful when I slow down to see it as such.  The other day we were walking back from the park and I started to cross the road, while you stood on the curb, being the careful, responsible person that you are.  You were held back because to you, it didn't seem like it was safe or that you had enough to make it across.  After the car was gone, you crossed, in tears.  I let you know that it is good to be responsible but even more important is the ability to trust loving authority.  You do know some things (quite a bit for your age, actually!), but in that instance, there were things I knew that you didn't.  I could see the car was turning from its signal, and wouldn't cross our path.  And also, that even if it did, we have the right-of-way as pedestrians. I was struck by how this all applies to our relationship with God!  Often times, He will ask us to step out, follow and obey when it doesn't make sense with what we do know. But we must remember, He knows things we don't!  That's where the trusting comes in.  He leads, and it's for our best that we simply follow.  While crossing the road, it is not the time to stop and have a conversation about the situation or for the authority to explain why.  Crossing together is all that is needed.  Then later, we can pause and I'm delighted to enter in and teach those things you didn't yet know.  And it gives me joy to equip you for the future! If you'll let it, those moments will give you fuel to trust me (and ultimately, God) all the more for the times ahead.  This is the Father's same heart toward us.

Lily, you are a beautiful young lady on the inside and out.  Your smile is radiant.  Your eyes convey the sweetness that resides inside of you.  Lately that sweetness has been spilling out onto letters you've been sending in the mail to people you care about.  I am one blessed mom to get to hug you and kiss you and learn with you and laugh and cry and my favorite - to seek King Jesus alongside you.  I look forward to all the tomorrows I get with you.

My love knows no bounds.

~Mommy

Grandma Shirley

A little over three weeks ago, my Grandma Shirley went home to be with Jesus, her Lord and King. She was and will continue to be an inspiration to me.  Because of her faithful example, I will have the gift of drawing strength from what I saw in her life, for the rest of my days here.  What a woman of the Word she was!  She took every opportunity she could, to share the love of Jesus with all the people He put on her path.  I remember being so uplifted to hear the stories of how she'd minister to hospital staff during the many times she had to be there.  Her heart was for others to know the Jesus she served.  She compels me to live and love well until my time on earth comes to a close.  While sorrow is definitely a part of her leaving, rejoicing is also very much a part of it.  What a difference it is when someone dies who loves Jesus!  Hope and peace are intermingled with the sorrow.  I am filled with worship that one day we will be together in our true Home.  Until then, I have yet another anchor in Heaven, drawing me there and increasing my thirst and longing.

I have always loved this poem and now I will think of my sweet grandma as I read the words:

Gone from My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean
She is an object of beauty and strength
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other
Then, someone at my side says,
"There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight.  That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port
Her diminished size is in me, not in her
And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:
"Here she comes!"

Letter to Phoenix: 2 Years Later

Dear Phoenix,

Two years have passed since you left my womb and journeyed back to the perfection of heaven. During that time, God has revealed to me so many things I have to be thankful for, that He has brought forth as a result of your life.

While my mama heart naturally would have wanted you to stay, I have come to see that the intimacy with Christ I have gained is priceless and worth the cost of missing you temporarily.  I never would have guessed I'd be able to say that.  But God knew.  And I've had to trust Him to get me to that place.

I'm thankful that you have had the incredible privilege of being raised by Jesus.  You've never known an ounce of suffering or sorrow.  I picture you playing in the streams of heaven, in fullness of joy.

Last week I met a special woman named Ronda.  She shared her story, which included experiencing the loss of 4 out of 5 of her children.  She describes them as her "anchors in heaven".  I loved that so much and think of you that way now, too.  She said, "If everything you love is here, you will have fear of going 'home'."  God has drawn me heavenward through your life, to the point that I honestly feel like one of my feet is planted firmly there already and the other foot is simply walking forth in grateful obedience here until my appointed homecoming arrives.  All fear or hesitation of embracing death is gone.  So now I get to live in the freedom that Paul expressed: to live is Christ and to die is gain.  As a follower of Jesus, to die is even better, which miraculously takes the sting away.

I'm thankful that your life has caused Lily and Silas to understand the gospel in a personal way.  By faith, they know that we can all be together one day because Jesus made a way for that to happen. They are excited to finally find out when we join you, if you are a boy or girl.  Talk about a gender reveal party, ha! :)

I'm thankful that because of your role in the story God has written, two children living in Africa are en route to become Joneses later this year.  You were a huge part of bringing us to the decision to adopt.  Down the road, I will delight in telling them the story of how a sweet little baby was used in the hands of the Father to pluck them up out of their pain and into arms that could facilitate healing and redemption.  Only God could write a script like that.  And Lord willing, they too will live for Jesus and meet you face to face.

The list is even longer but that will do for now.  I praise God for my scars.  They are a testimony of healing, love and victory.  Just like my Savior's scars were first a display of those for all mankind.  I am now stronger and deeper.  And the best part - every day completed is one day closer to my true Home with Jesus, where we'll worship Him together.

I love you with all my heart.

~Mommy

Questions & Answers

I love new things. So, as this year is just beginning, it's reason for me to reflect and rejoice.

Last night, just before the clock struck midnight, God brought clarity to a health issue I've been dealing with for almost two years. Finally, naming something. Naming something brings relief...comfort, even if it's not fixed yet. I am amazed by the timing. Moments before the new year was born, I believe I was being shown that 2017 will be a year of answers. My sweet friend, Alisa Marie has shared before that there are the years of questions and the years of answers. Though I love answers, I am able to see through the training God has given me that there is also such beauty and purpose in the questions. The season of unanswered questions has been an invitation from the Living God to come and trust Him more. So, now, as I stand on the cusp of this new year, I'm choosing to set my heart at rest in His presence, filled with hope, confidence and boldness that answers are on the way - in multiple areas. And on the hard days that require me to go deeper in my faith, I'll remember that the Gardener prunes every branch that bears fruit so it will be even more fruitful (John 15:2). He only stops pruning the vine when He expects nothing more from it during that season. The trials, questions, pruning will mean there's more for me - greater heights to scale. And the best part is, my Father goes before, beside me and is my rear guard. (Isaiah 58:8). Then, when the answers do come, my open hands will be ready to receive them as the gift that they are.

What God Did

Psalm 66:5 ~ Come and see what our God has done, what awesome miracles he performs for people!

When we first came up with the idea to have a garage sale to raise funds for our upcoming mission trip and adoption process to follow, we had no idea what was in store.  We ended up getting connected with two women that I had formerly known mainly through mutual friends, who have now become so dear to me through the process of coordinating the sale.  The relationships built and people we've met have honestly been one of the sweetest parts of our journey so far.  Lisa and Angie - words cannot express how grateful we are for how God used you to encourage, strengthen and build us up!  You guys were the heartbeat of it all.

To all of you who donated items for the garage sale - Thank You!  It obviously wouldn't have been possible without your contributions.  As I reflected on the whole experience, I was reminded of the parable from Mark 6 in which the five loaves and two fish were offered up and Jesus multiplies it to feed five thousand.  Some of you may have thought that what you gave was small but God took it all and multiplied it beyond our imagination!  A modern day parable.

We are also thankful for those who made the yummy treats for our bake sale!  The kids had such a fun time interacting with their customers and it made them feel special to have their own little job. :)

Our volunteers were unbelievable!  Setting aside time out of your busy lives to come and help us prep, organize and clean up, meant the world to us.  Many hands made the work feel so doable.  We want to give a special shout-out to Lisa, Angie, Megan, Amber, and Ike.  Your presence was extremely valuable to us.  Also, props to our connection group for stepping up and supporting us!

Lastly, we are beyond grateful for all those who came to our garage sale!  We couldn't have dreamed that we'd get the turnout that we did.  It was a blast to see so many people show up on our first day.  Every time someone generously donated or said "keep the change", Lisa would ring her bell.  Every time I heard that sound from across the yard, my heart would swell in knowing that God was blessing us.

One of the neatest parts of the experience were the stories of adoption.  Left and right, we had people engaging us in conversation that they personally had been adopted or had adopted children into their family and therefore when they saw the ads & signs, felt compelled to come and give, regardless of if they decided to purchase anything.  God's fingerprints were all over these situations.  A few hours after the sale ended on Saturday, as we were sitting down to eat dinner as a family, there was a knock on the door.  I answered it to find a young woman in tears, holding out cash.  She informed me that in her opinion, it wasn't much but that she really wanted to give it to our family.  She herself had been adopted as a baby.  I'll not forget her words.  "What you guys are doing...it won't always be easy.  But it's worth it."

Another story that unfolded before our eyes left a lasting impact.  Two gentlemen came looking for a bicycle, which they mentioned was going to replace the recently stolen bike that one of them had owned.  As they were discussing how they would pay for it on their slim budget, the ladies standing behind them stepped forward and bought it for him.  How humbling that God let us play a small part in such encouraging encounters!  He gave us eyes to see the small miracles happening all around, within the large one.

Throughout our journey thus far, while sharing how God changed our hearts about the financial aspect of adoption, I've openly talked about how we are bringing nothing to the table dollar wise to bring our child home.  We are going into this knowing that it will truly be trusting God with each step of the way to provide.  It will be ALL HIM.  He has given us unwavering confidence that He will do just that.  As I sat and listened to the message the following day on Sunday, Jordan noted that in terms of our relationship with God, we bring nothing to the table.  My ears perked up because...there's that phrase again.  I realized that our financial situation is actually a picture of the gospel.  We bring nothing and in exchange, He gives us everything.  And the Holy Spirit seemed to say, "Isn't that how my kingdom is?"  Since we bring nothing to the table, we recognize that it is clearly all God's doing. We rest in HIS performance.

God showed up big and communicated to us that He's got this.  We will remember this going forward and it will be what keeps us going on the days where it's hard to see what He's doing.  We know those days will come.  For now though, we celebrate!  Hallelujah for an unforgettable, amazing experience way beyond what we deserve!

Ephesians 3:20-21 ~ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.

Our Yes

Last year, January 2015, our family lost the third child God had given to us.  Experiencing the effects of a miscarriage has been, to date, one of the most difficult trials we've gone through.  A quote that I have latched onto brings me comfort and gives me perspective - "God permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves."  I understand now the parts of that journey that He of course would love, as do I - we have grown exponentially stronger in our relationship with Him, in our relationships with others and our character has been shaped to resemble His Son a little bit more.  I rejoice that He has done that work through the terrible reality of grief.  Following the loss of our baby, I (Rachael) have endured many health issues, some of which still remain.  As the year progressed and the desire to grow our family (though we have been unable to biologically thus far) never waned, God began to lay it upon our hearts that perhaps His plan to add more children to our home would look differently than what we expected.  In our marriage, we had always said that when we were done having our own biological children that we would consider adopting.  God started to show us in personal ways that maybe His plan was for it to be in a different order.  He was bringing it to our attention by way of repetition.  More than anything, we want to be a people who say Yes to what God is asking of us.  To live open-handed.

We see the call in Scripture that true religion is to care for orphans and widows in their distress. We know that this will look different for everyone. We have seen this lived out in many variations through the genuine believers we're blessed to do life with. Regardless, the command is clear.  Our faith should look like something in action. So when the rubber met the road, lots of fears were rising up.  How on earth could we afford adoption, which on average costs around $25,000-$30,000? Have we really counted the cost of what the practical implications will be bringing a child into our home who has been exposed to severe trauma in their first few years?  My mind was spinning.  And then.  Then a friend, who also serves as an "adoption mentor" through our church got together with me.  Through her wisdom, I was able to see that the voice I had been listening to was my own, not the Lord's.  After she left, I spent time in prayer, persisting that God show me if this indeed was what He wanted us to do.  The answer was clear - the time is now for us to say Yes to international adoption.

Since that day, so many puzzle pieces have been falling into place.  Confirmation after confirmation that we are exactly where we're supposed to be.  We know that the safest place to be is in the center of God's will.  There is where we find peace.  We have begun to recognize that when we go poking around outside of it and leaning on our own understanding, we feel the effects of that through restlessness, anxiety and insecurity.  So God, in His mercy, keeps wooing us back over and over, drawing us near.  We want to respond with a life that proclaims Proverbs 3:6 - acknowledging God in all of our ways, knowing He alone will make our path straight.

I honestly wish I could share every detail that has unfolded over the last 3 weeks - every single one speaks to the faithfulness of God and really how unbelievably cool He is.  For the sake of keeping this shorter than a novel, though, I'll refrain. :)  I'm more than happy to share with those of you who want to know more - it would be my joy to have you enter more into our story.  

One of the delights for us has been to see how much Lily and Silas are embracing this new adventure. Lily at 6, processes things mainly through pictures or songs.  So she has been drawing pictures, using her imagination to envision what our new family picture will be like.  Those little kindergarten stick figure pictures are completely precious to me.  Silas at 3, processes things in his own way and usually it's random comments here and there with a huge smile on his face.  He's always been our unpredictable one!  When we have conversations, they talk about adoption like it's normal and always been a part of who we are.  We have confidence that it is the Father who has prepared their hearts to receive it with such joy.

There are many unknowns, as there will continue to be in the long, slow process of adopting.  What we do know though, is that we will see changed lives.  Not only is God going to graciously allow us to be a part of giving an orphan a family, He is most definitely going to change us along the way too. Your prayers will mean so much to us!  Along with them, the love, support and generosity of our family and friends will be undeniably critical in bringing our child(ren) home.  If you'd like to be a part of our story, by giving financially to our trip and/or adoption process, you may visit www.gofundme.com/jonescar.
Join us in this endeavor and let's be amazed at all that God will do!

Jonathan's House Orphanage

We will take a mission trip here this summer which will be one of our first steps in the process.

Psalm 68:6 - "God sets the lonely in families."

Letter to the {6th} Birthday Girl

Lily girl,

    Every year I look forward to a whole day dedicated to celebrating the wonderful gift of you.  As we keep journeying on, our relationship grows deeper and I become even more thankful for the girl God made you to be.
    Lily, the qualities I see emerging from you are so encouraging.  You are compassionate, seeking to minister to the hearts of those around you.  You also have a strong sense of justice and are most frequently displaying this in relation to your brother!  But I also notice how you are acutely aware of those things in this world that are not right, and how you desperately want them taken care of.  We need more people like you.  It is evident to me that you have a keen sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and it is I that ends up learning.  You have helped me re-gain a sense of awe and wonder.
    You are crazy about horses.  It is officially part of your "5 year plan" for us to move to the country and own one of those beautiful creatures.  I have so much fun pulling up a seat and listening to your dreams. Don't ever stop dreamin', girl.  God plants those in your heart and mind, and they are purposeful.  You have also taken a liking to reading and cooking.  These two activities totally fill up my quality time love tank as we engage in them together.  I'm grateful for those memories we're creating and sometimes feel like my heart is swelling in even the most mundane days, just because we get to do them side by side.
    You are a planner, through and through.  Much of the excitement for you is found in the sheer anticipation of an event, as much as the event itself.  You are in your happy place envisioning how ideas will come together and create special moments.  I'm seeing you as a strong leader.  So much so, that I often remind you to slow down and let Daddy and I be in charge.  This has been like a mirror held up to me.  It has enabled me to recognize how I often do the same in my relationship with Daddy and also with the Lord.  Barreling ahead with my own agenda, I need prompting and reminders that true freedom lies in surrendering control.  God's kingdom is upside down and I hope we can keep remembering that for His glory and our good.
    You are a loyal person.  This is such a remarkable character trait that seems to be fading away in our culture.  Don't be afraid to let your light shine and do what's unpopular.  It will always be worth it, no matter what the cost.  You are considerate and thoughtful, taking the time to meditate on what might bless someone else.  Often this manifests itself in your passion to make things for others.  You pour your heart and soul into each creation.  You are also very tender-hearted.  I'm becoming more certain by the day that God putting your sensitive spirit and Silas's audacious nature together in the same family was a strategic move to refine me.  And let me tell you, it's working! :)  You are finding ways to play well but it almost always ends with someone getting upset.  I'm asking God to give me the grace and energy to train you through this and I know we'll get there.  In the meantime, we'll learn and be stretched and that's okay.
    You are an excellent songwriter.  Sometimes I'm floored by what you come up with, honestly.  You also are gifted at memorization and retaining information.  You pick up on things quickly and have a hunger for knowledge.  You are extremely inquisitive.  You being wired this way gives me excitement in knowing you'll have a life-long love of learning.  As we began our homeschooling journey this year, I didn't come close to imagining how awesome it would be.  I am seriously crazy blessed to be both your mom and teacher.
    You are just over the moon about Daddy/Daughter dates.  There's a brilliant sparkle in your eyes as I witness you two adore each other.  I see Daddy cultivating a high standard in your heart and my sincere hope is that you'll never settle for anything less than God's best for you.  I love that every day when we hear Daddy pull in the driveway, we glance at each other and say, "There's my favorite man!".  Cheesy, yes, but full of truth.
    Just recently, you've become more responsible and are eager to help me do things around the house.  Your favorite job is letting Jax out in the morning and feeding him.  You told me once, "It feels nice to know I can meet someone's need."  Although on a smaller scale right now, that sentiment will serve you well as you mature and the Lord equips you to meet the needs of many.  I have a confidence that He will.
    You do not prefer to be in the spotlight, however.  In fact, that is why you were adamant that you didn't want to celebrate at Hickory Park, for fear that they'd come out and sing to you!  "How embarassing!", you said.  And just a few days ago, you lost your first tooth.  Your sixth year looks to be lots of growing up happening all over the place. Simultaneously, though, you still love to cuddle up in my lap and I'm reveling in the mix of those, in this stage.
    As we close the door on this year of your life, I am filled with joy as we open the door to the next.  Our God is full of surprises and I am looking forward to seeing all the ways He will use you in this world.  I continue to overflow with gratitude that He chose me to be the mother of sweet Lily Maren.  You're the best.

Love,
Mommy

Letter to the {3rd} Birthday Boy

Silas,

This year as I write you these words, I'm filled with a different mixture of feelings than ever before as a mother.  The Lord has taught me so much through the course of this past year, all good and some hard.  I'm thankful that He chose to use you to show me some of those things.
First though, I want to slow down and take some moments to communicate how wonderfully made you are.  Your teachers from homeschool co-op described you using these adjectives: curious, silly, adorable, smiley, inquisitive, energetic, friendly, spirited and a great listener.  It's fun that though they've known you just a short time, it's evident that your personality shines through quickly.  You do nothing halfway, my boy.  You've taught me the exhilarating beauty of jumping right in, no matter what the risks might be.  You have non-stop charm.  And this greatly helps your cause since you also have a strong will.  You love with the intensity of a hurricane.  From your infant days, you've been a mama's boy and I'm thrilled that it hasn't changed yet.  If I'm being honest, there have been times that I've been weary that you demand so much of me.  But wrapped up in the weariness is the gift of being loved fiercely and the invitation to reciprocate that kind of intense love.
One of my favorite manifestations of this love are the frequent collisions against my leg followed by a loud puckering up of your lips.  Those leg kisses just make my day.  You and your sister haven't quite figured out how to play with each other in a consistently positive way.  I've gotten a few rare glimpses of you two delighting in each other's company but your different personalities results in plenty of squabbles.  I'm thankful I have the time to invest in helping you grow your friendship.  I have confidence you'll develop an unshakable bond.  Earlier this year, we were feeding the geese when one of them hissed at Lily.  You shouted, "Get away from my sister!".  Oh goodness, it was completely endearing.
I never have to wonder what you're thinking or feeling.  I get a kick out of the phrases you use at such an early age, often saying "Hmmm, maybe not", "I think so" and "Are you kidding me?!".  You have very strong likes and dislikes and there's no convincing you otherwise.  I see so much passion in you.  I see determination and zeal.  I see someone who won't give up when the goin' gets tough.  I see someone who doesn't sit back and wait for others to initiate.  You go out and discover adventure.  You aren't afraid of hard things.  I see the potential of an adult who is willing to look conflict in the face and not go running.  Though these qualities are maddening at times while I'm carrying out the task of shepherding your heart, my desire is to keep a long view and appreciate that these same qualities will be amazing as a grown man.
Recently I attended a conference designed for moms.  One of the sessions I chose was called, "What About That Child?".  I was so deeply encouraged.  It shifted my mindset and gave me a new gratitude for the opportunity I've been offered: to raise a world changer!  You are the best thing that could have happened to me as a mom.  I'm presented with the chance over and over again to die to myself , my own selfish desires and instead rely heavily on the Lord to sustain me. God sent you to me on purpose.  And He knows both of us better than we know ourselves.  He has a sense of humor and loves to see us grow.  Your particular gifts will take me places that I never intended to, but need, to go.  I want to embrace the adventure and chase after abundant life with you.
You help me consider new ideas and perspectives.  I want to enjoy the freedom of letting you be who you were made to be.  Let's keep asking the question - "I wonder what God might do through you?".  I know it's gonna be big.  And I'd love a front row seat.
Probably the most fitting way to end this letter is by conveying the simple and precious words you to say to me every single night as I walk out of your bedroom and we finish up another day together..."I'll never stop loving you."

Always,
Mommy