He Knows

"The Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, 'I know.  I know.'  The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but the eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain." ~ Ann Voskamp

A few days after losing Phoenix, the kids came with me to a follow-up appointment for a simple blood draw.  While we were there, they eagerly requested band-aids for themselves as well, just for the fun of it.  Later in the week, I was in Lily's room and glanced over at her nightstand.  On it sits a maternity photo of Justin and I looking down at my belly, largely pregnant with Lily.  Strategically placed over my womb in that photo was the band-aid Lily had been wearing.  Instant tears welled up as I heard the Lord saying clear as a bell:

I see you.  I know it hurts.  Just watch how I'm going to love you through this.

I shared with Lily that experience and without missing a beat, she replied, "Yeah, that's why I put it there, Mommy."  I was intrigued - "Why did you?"  What came next was the beginning of many confirmations God would give me of His purposes through this trial.  "Because I thought, 'Maybe if Mommy sees this, it will make her think that God is working inside of her."
Oh Lord Jesus, thank you.  Thank you for who You are.  Thank you for using my sweet girl, as You often do to speak great truth to me.  Truth I need to be reminded of.

He knows.  He is with me.  He is working.  He is more than enough.  He is good.  He never changes.

My Jesus is the same today as He was before January 18th.  Because He came, died, rose again and LIVES, our baby is also risen.  By grace alone, by placing our faith in Christ alone - Justin and I will go to our baby.  We too, will rise.

Scripture has been breathing life into the aching parts of my soul over the past couple of months and I plan to share those truths soon.  The gospel is freshly stirred within me.  If anything, I think this trial has opened my eyes even more to how good God is.
"That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond.  To Him.  To the God whom we endlessly crave." ~ Ann Voskamp
I'm seeing God a little more clearly.  I'm seeing that through the tearing open of my soul, I have been given a gift.  The thin, open places to see Him more.

I'm learning that joy and pain certainly do mingle.  They both can simultaneously exist in the human heart.  My desire is to continue to live open-handed.  To not numb myself to fully living.  To freely receive whatever He gives and freely release whatever He takes.  Knowing that I can trust Him with my heart - after all, He created it and keeps it beating for as long as He deems.

Whatever hard thing you may be going through right now, this is my prayer for you - to turn your eyes upon Jesus.  He is good, friends.  And He knows.

Letters to Phoenix

Five years ago when I was pregnant with Lily, I decided I would write to our children and one day give them each their journals.  So, just as I did with our other two children, I wrote an entry to Phoenix shortly after we learned we were expecting.  As I prepared to write the night of our baby's burial, I went back and read that first entry and was struck by something I had said in the last paragraph....

I feel so blessed to get to be your mom.  I wonder what you'll teach me.  All of my children teach me something.  And I am better because of that.

I obviously had no idea what those words would come to mean.  But God knew.  And He impressed that message on my heart, even then.  The things I thought our child's life would teach me are different and yet far surpass my expectations.  I've learned that when you step out on the open sea, it's not so scary when Jesus is holding your hand.  I've learned just how precious the miracle of life at any level is and how I will take it for granted no more.  I've learned that a mind focused on eternity transforms how we live out these fleeting, earthly days.  In the book of James, he describes our life on earth as a mist that vanishes.  I picture it like seeing my breath on a cold winter day...it appears for a second and then it's gone.  That's my life.  So the question is, how will I spend it?  I'll keep surrendering and place all of my trust in the God who holds eternity in His hands.  All because Jesus made a way for me to come to Him.  I've learned that no matter what circumstances I face, God drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him is worth whatever rough terrain I must endure along the way.  I didn't think I'd ever want to walk this hard road to get there but the reality of walking it has proved me wrong.  I imagine Phoenix's life will continue to teach me lessons beyond these.  Each new lesson is a wonderful surprise.  Each one an opportunity for me to proclaim God's goodness and marvel in the beauty of His purposes unfolding.

My second - and last - letter:

My Baby Phoenix,

Oh, how I never wanted to have to write this kind of entry.  Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life.  All of the dreams I had of you joining our family came crashing to the ground.  I don't know at what point you stopped growing but yesterday marks the day when we discovered that you were gone.  I was 11 weeks pregnant.  So soon?  My heart fills with so many emotions.  Why??  My arms ache to hold you.  My sweet third child whom God knit in my womb.  I will miss you every day.  The only reason I can continue on with joy and hope is because I know that God makes all things new and you are already in His arms, in Heaven and we'll get to see you when we get there.  It seems way too far away right now.  I can't wait to meet you and spend time together.  What a precious gift you are. Grief is a strange thing.  It comes in waves.  Little triggers all the time.  I know Lily is sad that everything has changed.  She talks to me about it in her own way.  She would have been a great big sister to you!  And you would have gotten a kick out of your big brother.  I can't dwell there very long.  It hurts too much.  I rest in knowing that Jesus will raise you until it's time for me and Daddy to be with you.  The amazing thing is that we will be with you for far longer than we'll be apart.  That soothes my soul like nothing else.  I would really do anything to have you back with me.  But this plan, even though it is excruciating right now, I know will glorify God somehow, someway...and I cling tightly to that promise.  We chose the name Phoenix for you, not knowing what your gender is. I hope you like it.  We felt it is important to name you, to acknowledge that you were as real of a person to us as any of our children.  You were made by a holy God and you are sacred.  We want to remember you and by commemorating your short life in as many ways as we can, I think will be healing.  We are hurting right now but you are not, and never will.  You will never know one ounce of suffering, pain or sorrow.  Praise God!  The arms of Jesus must feel so safe and secure.  I will think about you, I will ask God what He wants to teach me through you, and I will share the glory and goodness of your life with others.  I love you, sweet Phoenix.  Until we meet...

~Mommy

I Am Not Alone

God often stirs me to worship through music.  This song has been capturing my heart lately.

Naming our Baby

God has been doing so much over the last few weeks.  This road of suffering that we are walking on has opened my eyes to many things but two of them stick out in my mind as I type this: God is so good. And this world is not as it should be.  Oh, how I long for Heaven. Writing is healing for me and so it will be my joy to share what God has so carefully been teaching me through this time.  In case you missed the previous post, click here to read the first of what I shared regarding our journey.

The process of losing our baby was spread out over several days and labor lasted about 16 hours.  As I laid awake all night long and the miscarriage was becoming more inevitable, I started to contemplate gender neutral names.  Deep in my bones, I felt the need to name this sweet, teeny tiny baby whose life lasted such a short time.  I wanted to acknowledge that our baby is a real person. Although I was only able to carry him/her for 11 weeks, we had already embraced the idea of our new family of five.  Mothers start dreaming about the impact their new little one will have, the minute they learn they're expecting.  So in just a couple of months time, our sweet baby very much felt a part of us.  In Psalm 139:16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  God has numbered all of our days and he breathed life into our baby for the exact amount of time He had ordained.  Though our child's physical presence on earth was short, my prayer is that the impact of his/her life will continue on for ages and bring glory to God.

We chose the name Phoenix for our baby.  Early on in our marriage, it was actually on our list of boy names but since that time, we have heard it used for both boys and girls.  It was a perfect fit.  As I reflected on why it was so important to me to name this baby, I remembered a section from the book "One Thousand Gifts":
"Now, in the Bible a name reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather its essence as God's gift.  To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God.  To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it."

All along the way, we were very open with our kids about the baby.  We decided to have a burial service for the baby the following day, knowing that it would bring some healing and also be an opportunity for Lily and Silas to be involved in the process of this loss in a special and significant way.  As I tucked Lily in for bed that night, I asked her if there was any particular song she would like us to sing during the service.  She requested "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands."  She loves it when I sing that song and use all of our names so it was precious to me that we would all get the chance to softly sing Phoenix's name as the last verse.

The next day, after a couple of appointments, the four of us gathered together to say goodbye or as I like to think of it....see you soon...to the baby.  Justin and I both prayed and as he spoke to our Father, warm soothing tears were cascading down my face at the beauty of his words.  He talked about how a newborn's only language is crying but our baby will not utter a single cry because he/she will never know pain or even discomfort.  Phoenix will never experience anything less than perfection with Jesus.  And then it started to rain.  I wasn't able to see it at the time, but now when I think of the rain in that moment, I view it as God's tears running down - He was entering into our sorrow and suffering with us.  We lifted our voices in song and declared, "He's got little baby Phoenix in His hands..."
And then as we turned to leave, Silas waved and said "Bye. Love you."

Some days are harder than others.  One thing that never changes is Jesus and how He keeps meeting me right where I'm at.  I know I am learning things here in this valley that I could have learned no other way.  Although the heartache is sometimes immense, I feel safe, loved and cared for.  God has provided His perfect peace, which is beyond my understanding.  I know now with all assurance, that no matter what circumstance I may find myself in, His presence is all I need.

Isaiah 26:3 - You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he commits himself to you, leans on you and hopes confidently in you.

Lyrics to the song "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews:
You're not alone for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My Love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the One who's loved you all your life, all your life
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you

Our Glory Baby

The song below has been on repeat in our home the past few weeks. I am clinging to the promises John Piper speaks about midway through. God, the One who has numbered each of our days, lovingly planned for our third child to be with us on earth for just 11 weeks of pregnancy. We lost our baby almost 3 weeks ago and through this time of suffering, I have been still with tear stained eyes to hear what the Lord might say. He has been so near. He has allowed me to see things in a new way through the lens of suffering. It has produced in me a mind fixed on eternity like nothing else before. I am resting in the truth that I will be with that child for far longer than we will be apart. I would love to share in the coming days/weeks what God has been showing me as He holds me through the pain. He is always good and I am always loved.

Letter to the (2nd) Birthday Boy

Silas,
   
    This second year of your life has been an adventure for sure.  Your robust personality is unmatched!  I had no idea when I first held you in my arms how much you would change my heart.  This journey with you keeps taking me by surprise.  I've learned like never before that a mother's labor and delivery doesn't end.  I come to God with my nothing and He multiplies it and I'm surprised by joy.
   
    I've discovered a few things about you.  For starters, you are all about your mama!  You could fall down and crack your head with hardly a cry but if I leave your sight or I'm engaged in something that prevents me from picking you up - well, you'd think the world was over.  It leaves me feeling both exhausted and deeply loved.  That's another thing I've discovered is that often times with you - my sweet yet fiery guy - I feel a mixed bag of emotions.  Weary yet full of joy, frustrated yet humbled.  I've discovered that you are so very different than me and that's precisely why I find you so endearing.  Your life has opened up a whole new dimension of ideas and interests to our family.
 
     I love having the ability to witness every moment of your day, from the time you awake til the moment you lay your head down at night.  You are full of action.  You delight in destroying things.  You have a (very) strong will.  You want to do everything that Lily does.  You are only snuggly when you first wake up or are not feeling well.  You like to help me load the dishwasher and let Jax outside.  Your smile is the best.  You make the most adorable faces when you've done something wrong, so Daddy and I quickly look away to hide our laughter before addressing the problem.  You're my Mr. Social, greeting others everywhere we go and saying, "Bye, Love you!" as we leave.  You are beginning to enjoy sitting to listen to books being read.  You often request a movie and will sometimes ask to watch a "Boom! Boom!" movie, which refers to one of Daddy's action flicks.  You have great rhythm and will break out your moves within the first few beats of a song.  Sometimes during worship music, you'll lift your hands in praise and my heart soars.
   
    Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing a good job raising you and your sister.  It's so hard and I certainly mess up most days and have to ask for forgiveness time after time.  But I think when I'm sitting in the stillness and tune my ear to God's voice, I hear the answer - "Yes, by My grace, you are."  I'm learning flexibility.  I'm learning to let go of my silly expectations that I impose on those around me and on myself.  I'm learning it's ok to say "No" or "Not yet" to lots of good things, so I can say "Yes" to only what is needed.  I'm learning how complex love really is.  I'm learning that being your mother is going to be the way that God uses most to show me how He parents me.
   
    Thank you for all that you are.  I have no doubt that the coming year will again take me by surprise as we twist and turn around every corner and hang on for the ride of a lifetime.  I pray God continues to grow our relationship in new and unexpected ways.  I love you, my sweet and mighty boy!

~ Mommy

Letter to the (4th) Birthday Girl

My sweet Lily girl -

With each passing year, it seems like time is picking up speed. I remember 4 years ago today how the whole world stood still for a moment as our eyes met for the first time. I will never forget how it felt to hold my firstborn child – you – in all of your fresh, untainted beauty. I had to catch my breath. From that day on, God has gifted us with a relationship that has surpassed all I had imagined. I am constantly fascinated by the work He is accomplishing inside of you. Though I am exposed every day to how bright, perceptive and lovely you are, I still at times am caught off guard by how amazing is the masterpiece of you. Having you in my life gives me reason upon reason to praise our Father. You are a treasure.

Without a doubt, the most exciting element of this past year was seeing your faith develop. Your desire to know God more is one of my greatest joys. I look forward every day to all of your questions and the many comments you make that give me a window into your heart. One day this year you said, “God is the biggest, best, boss ever!” I laughed but mixed with the humor was a deep gratitude within me. I hope that you hold onto that view, your passion ever increasing. Most nights at dinner, you volunteer to pray and as you do, Daddy and I glance at each other with tears in our eyes. One that I remember recently went something like this: “Dear God, I thank you for my family. I pray we have good relationships. Sometimes I do bad things. Thank you that Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins. Amen.”

This year I have been surprised by everything you are able to do on your own. Somewhere along the way, you've learned to run the tech devices in our home, get yourself dressed, empty the dishwasher and even make a smoothie. I was impressed by that one, coming down the stairs to see you had gathered all of the necessary ingredients, poured them in the blender and stood there on your step stool with a big grin on your face, happy with your accomplishment.

You love to make forts, rearrange our dining room furniture and couch cushions, play with water and pretend play with your dolls and stuffed animals. Most of these interests create extra work for me but isn't that why I do what I do anyway? I'm in the ministry of availability and sacrifice and although it's challenging, there's just nothing else I'd rather be doing. Inside the walls of our home, I've grown more than in any other context. Being your mom is the best. And for the sake of keeping things real, I distinctly recall a moment when I was doing dishes and you had squeezed yourself between me and the cabinet, making it difficult for me to get my task finished. I sternly said, “Lily, please move!” You immediately burst into tears and said “I just wanted to be with you!”. Oh, how that crushed me. And I'm glad it did. That scene sticks with me. I want to listen to you with not only my ears but with my eyes and heart. You'll grow to learn that this world wages war in the form of distractions. There are so many things that beg for my attention but none of them compare to the two little gifts God through His grace has given – you and your brother. I did fail that day. Failure is a part of life. But one thing was evident...God always stands ready to forgive. And when He does, all is restored. I'm thankful the moment ended with us cuddling, able to talk about messing up and forgiveness.

I love seeing you nurture Silas. With his rough-and-tumble personality, someone usually winds up getting hurt! The moments, though, where hugs and kisses are exchanged bring a warmth to our lives, reminding me of the gift you have in each other. You are always eager to guide him. He is surely blessed to have a sister who loves him the way you do.

The affection you and Daddy share is worth more than pure gold. The light in your eyes when he holds you close says it all. Every evening when he goes upstairs to change out of his work clothes, you ask him in a sweet, soft voice, “Can you wear a shirt that I can pull on?”. We discovered that you love to snuggle up to him and pull a piece of his shirt between your fingers. When he asked you why, you said “Because it makes me feel safe.” I'm so thankful you have a father who is a reflection of our heavenly Father who takes great delight in both adoring and protecting you.

I wonder what great things I'll have to talk about next year that God did in and through you. I am sure there will be laughter, tears, adventures, sibling rivalries and something to be thankful for at every turn. When we let God's word define us, we know who we are and where we are going. You can trust me to do my best to teach you those things. How blessed I am to enter into every moment with you, expectantly looking to see what we might learn together. Just as you tell me with each sunrise or sunset we encounter - “That's God at work!” - let's find out what else He'll do in our midst, shall we? My oh my, how I love you. Happy 4^th Birthday, Lily.

Mommy